Magic: (n) The art of converting superstition into coin.

An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.

ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear.

Erudition - dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.

An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.

Politeness -- The most acceptable hypocrisy.

A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Congratulations is the civility of envy.

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him. In the code of military etiquette silence and fixity are forms of deference.

COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.