Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason... now I have a reason.

I have a mental age of about 17. Far too young for marriage.

I don't covet images or belongings. My television set and video are rented, any paintings aren't worth a fortune, and money is of little interest.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

If you can mix glamor and gags, then you can catch the audience twice over.

Roses are reddish

Violets are bluish

If it weren't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish.

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: Oh well, and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

I'm single. I don't have a family. I certainly don't have to work. I don't want to be the richest man in the cemetery.

I'm not against half naked girls -- not as often as I'd like to be.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

A man who fails is funny... if my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and a delusion. What's so corrupting about that?

What we've discovered is that Americans seem to love our saucy humor.

I changed it to Leslie Hill, only that seemed more like a cocktail pianist. Eventually, being an admirer of Jack Benny, I took his name.

Live everyday as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

The mistake British comedians often make is trying to beat the Americans at their own game -- getting visiting American singers on their shows, talking about 'sidewalk' instead of 'pavement,' sitting on high stools in a white dinner jacket doing ballads. That way, you simply end up with a mid-Atlantic mishmash.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.