Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.
I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'
She was a southern girl, which is the same as saying she was insane.
Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?
Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.
It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all.
I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.
The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.
How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.
The world's like a ride in a fairground and when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds are.
What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?
I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself -- to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.
Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.
If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.
I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.
It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth. ... I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, Lung Cancer.
You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.
Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease and rednecks with seniority.
I want my rockstars dead.
On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.
Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.
I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'.
I'm tired of this back-slappin' isn't humanity neat bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.
I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul.
Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.
Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.
I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.
I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!
We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.
I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.
The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.
I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!
Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.
That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama.
I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.
Humanity is just a virus with shoes.
There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we, are the imagination of ourselves.
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.
I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.
Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.
As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.
Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.
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