Every time somebody says 'Islamophobia' it gives the people who are intimidating cover.

Lip-synching?! Let that be a lesson. If you are in Washington, D.C., and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company or a bank.

Until someone claims to see Christopher Hitchens' face in a tree stump, idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. There's one little difference: Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, and atheism is -- precisely not that. Got it? Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, Screw it, we prefer witchcraft, let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's drive it to one of the five stupidest States and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

The people who got everything wrong are back on TV talking about the place they got all wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's like Satan's VIP list for Hell.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight.

You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally -- he's the white Kanye.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole?

To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like.

Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids.

It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies.

You can refer to god and you are really just talking about nature. If you are going to say the universe is god, then everything is god, everything is religion. But when we explore traditional religion we are talking about humanistic gods people pray to, that they think can intervene in our lives, who run sort of a heaven-and-hell operation for the afterworld.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.