Quotes by Bill Murray

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Everyone needs to take a vacation from the sort of automatic things you do.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

I feel like I'm a better person when I'm quieter.

They say an elephant never forgets. What they don't tell you is, you never forget an elephant.

It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it'd damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.

Keep seeing the glass half-full and it will dawn upon you that it's probably your turn to buy.

I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

I've never made any horrible, horrible movies. If you don't ruin your reputation, you can always get work.

When I work, my first relationship with people is professional.

I feel that if you really want an Oscar, you're in trouble. It's like wanting to be married -- you'll take anybody. If you want the Oscar really badly, it becomes a naked desire and ambition. It becomes very unattractive.

I don't want to have a relationship with someone if I'm not going to work with them.

I always like to say to people who want to be rich and famous, try being rich first. See if that doesn't cover most of it.

I feel like I'm a better person when I'm quieter.

Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.

You don't have to have all this film stock, you can work faster, and you don't need a giant crew. It's great.

If I run into someone on the street, that's one thing. But answering mail for a living? I like a job where you can play and act kind of goofy and have some fun.

I act like a jerk sometimes.

Melancholy is kind of sweet sometimes, I think. It's not a negative thing. It's not a mean thing. It's just something that happens in life, like autumn.

The first year I had money, I really went shopping. I got really caught up in it. I bought all my brothers sets of luggage, and I bought 'em winter coats from Giorgio Armani -- winter coats. And I got a pair of socks from this brother.

I'm just an obnoxious guy who can make it appear charming, that's what they pay me to do.

I'm just a potato that won't quit. I'm a potato with some legs. Some have eyes, I've got legs.

I'm not an ungenerous person; I don't resent it. It's just sort of a head-scratcher.

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything.

I realized the more fun I had, the more relaxed I was working, the better I worked.

If you have a good script, that's what gets you involved. It's harder to write a good screenplay than to find something.

People confuse friendship and relaxation. It's incredibly important to be relaxed -- you don't have a chance if you're not relaxed. So I try very hard to relax any kind of tension. But friendship is different.

Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something unusual.

I don't believe that you can give the same performance every take. It's physically impossible, so why bother? If you don't do what is happening at that moment, then it's not real. Then you're holding something back.

I try to be available for life to happen to me.

Golf was my first glimpse of comedy. I was a caddy when I was a kid. I was on the golf course rather than being in lessons, but I can play better now than I could then.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

Why would you get up there and bore people? I never have figured that out. These people are supposedly in the entertainment industry, and they finally get up there to that podium and they become the most boring people in the world.

My favorite thing about New York is the people, because I think they're misunderstood. I don't think people realize how kind New York people are.

We're Americans! Do you know what that means? It means our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world.

One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself.

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

My back hurts. My legs ache. I'm only four!

People say I'm difficult and sometimes that's a badge of honour.

It's much harder to play beloved than to play a rotten guy. Rotten guy is a piece of cake. So playing a beloved person really sets a high bar for your behavior and your acting and what you project.

I'm over the Oscar thing. I feel that if you really want an Oscar, you're in trouble. It's like wanting to be married -- you'll take anybody. If you want the Oscar really badly, it becomes a naked desire and ambition. It becomes very unattractive. I've seen it.

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so. -- Stephen Leacockof Christmas trees around the house, so it smells good.

I think there's only so many people that can take care of themselves, and can take care of other people. And the rest of the people … they're useful in terms of compost for the whole planet, you know.

This really should be kept secret, but you can learn a lot by watching the making-of DVDs. Every actor should do it. You figure out what you're dealing with.

I would jump into the middle of the street and say, excuse me, there's a Mercedes that's got to get through here. And I would push people out of the way, get out of the way! Let him through! Smacking their cars and stuff. Just like, whack and you just jump into it.

To people who want to be rich and famous, I'd say, Get rich first and see if that doesn't cover it.

I wanted to be a doctor once upon a time, but it turns out you've got to study, and that wasn't going to happen. I had no idea what I was going to do. I had trouble holding jobs because they want you to be on time. That wasn't going to work.

You want my dark side? Have I ever stolen anything? Not so much intentionally. But I don't think it's so much stealing as... being a part of the flow of the universe. You know, where there's an exchange. It's positive. It's negative. There's an exchange of goods and services.

I've killed myself so many times, I don't even exist anymore.

Well it's hard to be yourself, it's the hardest job there is.

You're supposed to have one hand up and one hand down. As you're trying to going up, you're trying to pull someone up at the same time.

You can't think about what you're going to do. It just gets in the way. You have to be just available for life, otherwise you're not bringing anything to the party. So I don't lie awake thinking about what I'm going to do workwise. There's just too much going on.

I've retired a couple of times. It's great, because you can just say, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I'm retired.'

Different vodkas have different effects. Some make you feel a little... poly-lingual. Some make you feel like you want to talk back to someone who's giving you a hard time. Some make you feel like lifting kettle bells.

It's the most terrifying day of your life, the day the first one is born. Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you'll ever meet in your life.

Drinking again? Go to hell. All I ever do is make some movies that made a lot of money now leave me alone, I want to have some fun.

Life is a game, and it's much more fun if you play it as your own game, so stay light and loose and relaxed.

My first movie, I got nominated for a Canadian Oscar-for Meatballs. For MEATBALLS. And who am I up against? George C. Scott. So he wins the award and I stand up and go, 'That's it-let's get the hell outta here.'

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.

Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.

Half of the people in this room are more dressed up than on any other day in the year, and the other half are more dressed down.

I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get that day over and over and over?

There aren't many downsides to being rich, other than paying taxes and having relatives asking for money. But being famous, that's a 24 hour job right there.

I try to be available for life to happen to me. We're in this life, and if you're not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn't live it. But if you're available, life gets huge. You're really living it.

I'd sort of gone through some sort of spiritual change in the late 70s where I sort of saw there was some other life to live. It changed the way that I worked just having a different presence and a different tension.

When I feel like I'm stuck, I do something -- not like I'm Mother Teresa or anything, but there's someone that's forgotten about in your life, all the time. Someone that could use an 'Attaboy' or a 'How you doin' out there.

I think if you can take care of yourself, and then maybe try to take care of someone else, that's sort of how you're supposed to live.

Grab this day by the neck and kiss it.

That's the reason I'm not the one that's dead because the attraction of the fast life is very powerful.

You know how funerals are not for the dead, they're for the living? Bachelor parties are not for the groom, they're for the uncommitted.

I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I have hundreds of people waiting in line to abuse me!

The only way we'll ever know what it's like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself: That's where home is.

People only talk about what a joyous experience it is, but there is terror: Your life, as you know it, is over. It's over the day that child is born. It's over, and something completely new starts.

I don't really read the reviews, but I remember one a long time ago I read that said that I had a face like a potato.

I met a woman who photographed celebrity dogs for a book, and she told me that Ralph Lauren's dog is named Rugby. I said, Yeah, but his real name is Stickball.

One of my gripes about movies is that people take them so seriously, and the moneymaking aspects are so brutal.

I don't answer fan mail. I don't have time for that. It's like hundreds of thousands of people who think they're going to become millionaires getting autographs from movie actors. I don't have time for those idiots. I've got stuff to do.

Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.

And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money. But when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.

There are a lot of actors that are more talented than me at Second City who quit it before they even got to a paying status. Weird luck. I had no other option.

I came out of the old Second City in Chicago. Chicago actors are more hard-nosed. They're tough on themselves and their fellow actors. They're self-demanding.

Sometimes I snore, like when I get really tired.

The only good thing about fame that I've gotten is I've gotten out of a couple of speeding tickets. I've gotten into a restaurant when I didn't have a suit and tie on. That's really about it.

When I was a little kid playing baseball, my manager called me Sleepy. And only a few people, who know me from way, way back, call me that still. I used to drift off and that's why they made me the catcher, so I wouldn't fall asleep. That gift I have still.

I didn't get into this position by being like a stiff sitting on the set in a folding chair. I did it by walking around on the streets and stirring things up.

I know how to be sour. I know that taste.

You had to keep the mood up; you had to keep the tempo up. You had to keep the feeling of, Hey, we're doing something that's really exciting. It's fun being with these people. And the more fun you have, the better you do it.

We still have to put some cherry syrup on it, and then we can eat it.

Parties are only bad when a fight breaks out, when men fight over women or vice versa. Someone takes a fall, an ambulance comes, and the police arrive. If you can avoid those things, pretty much all behaviour is acceptable.

Whenever I think of the high salaries we are paid as film actors, I think it is for the travel, the time away, and any trouble you get into through being well known. It's not for the acting, that's for sure.

The critics. When they're right, they're right for the wrong reasons. And they're usually wrong.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

The secret is to have a sense of yourself, your real self, your unique self. And not just once in a while, or once a day, but all through the day, the week and life.

You can handle just about anything that comes at you out on the road with a believable grin, common sense and whiskey.

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

I improvise whenever I feel it's important, or whenever I think that something's there. It's nice to have a script that's so well-written that I don't have to improvise. I mean, I used to have to re-write whole movies; this is kind of nice.

And when I told my sons I might be in City of Ember, they said, 'Oh! You're gonna be the mayor?' And I hadn't even read the script yet.

If Google doesn't know the answer, then it's not a question.

There must be a bad chromosome somewhere in man that urges him to wound that which he can't conquer, deface that which is more beautiful, misunderstand and befoul the work of another.

Morocco is the greatest. I should be getting money from the Moroccans because I'm just telling everyone that it's a wonderful place to go.

Chicago actors are hard-nosed. They're tough on themselves and their fellow actors. They're self-demanding.

People think because they employed you they're allowed to treat you like a dictator, or whatever the worse word for dictator is. And that's always been a problem for me. Opening the door for someone behind you is as important as designing a building.

I will be in Orlando during the atheist convention to do my best to counter the assaults upon Christ of the atheists. I also plan on running a large newspaper ad in the Orlando Sentinel addressed to the atheists and warning the Orlando area of the atheists' vile plans for their children.

Its Christmas Eve! Its the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.

The atheists traditionally hold their conventions from Good Friday to Easter Sunday during the hours Christ spent in the grave.

But I can only take so much TV, because there is so much advice. I find people will preach about virtually anything -- your diet, how to live your life, how to improve your golf. The lot. I have always had a thing against the Mister Know-It-Alls.

You know...they say an elephant never forgets.

What they don't tell you is, you never forget an elephant.

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

It's extremely powerful to say no; it's really the most powerful thing to say.

Life is so damn short. For f*ck's sake, just do what makes you happy.

It's hard to be an artist. It's hard to be anything. It's hard to be.

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything, the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.

I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We're in this life, and if you're not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn't live it. But if you're available, life gets huge. You're really living it.

Don't think about your errors or failures, otherwise you'll never do a thing.

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.

Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It's kind of a shock. It's kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

The future isn't just something that happens. It's a brutal force with a great sense of humor that will steamroll you if you're not watching.

People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.

I think all phases of one's career are serious if you take it seriously no matter if you are doing high profile dramatic pieces or not.

I went to Second City, where you learned to make the other actor look good so you looked good and National Lampoon, where you had to create everything out of nothing, and SNL, where you couldn't make any mistakes, and you learned what collaboration was.

In Japan, you have no idea what they are saying, and they can't help you either. Nothing makes any sense. They're very polite, but you feel like a joke is being played on you the entire time you're there.

The studios don't seem to foster good writing. They're not so interested in that, but they're more interested in what worked most recently. They're definitely very serious about making money, and that's not a wrong thing, but you don't have to make money the same way all the time.

I don't know how this guy knew how much money I was making. I didn't know how much money I was making.

Here's the thing, you just have to drive a lot faster, and if you don't get there, we're both fired.

All of us kids ended up 'doing Mom.' There are four of us who've tried show business. Five if you insist on counting my sister the nun, who does liturgical dance.

When the phone started ringing too many times, I had to take it back to what I can handle. I take my chances on a job or a person as opposed to a situation. I don't like to have a situation placed over my head.

I don't want to be that guy mumbling into his drink at a bar.

I go home and stay there. I wash and scrub up each day, and that's it. One month I actually grew a moustache, just so I could say that I'd done something.

I've been lucky, I've had movies that made a lot of money, so I don't feel like I have to kill every time out. I don't want that pressure. I don't need it.

And I don't like to work. I only like working when I'm working.

No one really wants to admit they are lonely, and it is never really addressed very much between friends and family. But I have felt lonely many times in my life.

Don't think about your errors or failures; otherwise, you'll never do a thing.

I throw a Christmas party at my house. It's not really a Christmas party, because I don't want to call it a Christmas party. But let's just say I put a lot of Christmas trees around the house, so it smells good.

There are people who drove me crazy, but they got the job done. And when I see that person again, I nod my head. Respect.

Awards are meaningless to me, and I have nothing but disdain for anyone who actively campaigns to get one.

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.

Yeah, I think that's sort of the American way. And it's also the Polish way, it turns out.

I think that the online world has actually brought books back. People are reading because they're reading the damn screen. That's more reading than people used to do.

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.

When you see grown men near to tears because they've missed hitting a little white ball into a hole from three feet, it makes you laugh.

'Groundhog Day' was one of the greatest scripts ever written. It didn't even get nominated for an Academy Award.

I think midlife crisis is just a point where people's careers have reached some plateau and they have to reflect on their personal relationships.

We're born alone. We do need each other. It's lonely to really effectively live your life, and anyone you can get help from or give help to; that's part of your obligation.

Somewhere there's a score being kept, so you have an obligation to live life as well as you can, be as engaged as you can.

I always want to say to people who want to be rich and famous: 'try being rich first'. See if that doesn't cover most of it. There's not much downside to being rich, other than paying taxes and having your relatives ask you for money. But when you become famous, you end up with a 24-hour job.

Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for ninety seconds at a time.

While I have felt lonely many times in my life, the oddest feeling of all was after my mother, Lucille, died. My father had already died, but I always had some attachment to our big family while she was alive. It seems strange to say now that I felt so lonely, yet I did.