I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.
My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.
If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.
We're having a traditional Thanksgiving -- turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.
I really like maths.
I'd much rather wait till my material is up to par, in my opinion, than rush it just so I can stay in the limelight a little longer.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.
I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.
It feels like we're always juggling many pieces of information at once or trying out many personas at once. It makes life slightly nonlinear.
I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.
Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.
I always loved bands who would try to change their sound radically album to album, experiment in one album and revert back in another.
People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.
The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.
I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.
Where are all the sour patch parents?
You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you.
You can give poor people this royal wedding to watch and make them feel good about themselves, or you can give them something useful like, I don't know... a toaster.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
I do weird things, and people watch.
Since I got an audience before I even had a comic voice, my material that really wasn't worthy of an audience somehow got it, slightly unfairly.
I've kind of stopped valuing laughter as the end-all measurement of what I'm doing.
A lot of my fans are really young and seem slightly unsure and nervous about things. Hopefully for young people watching my show, it comes away that I'm pretty weird up there.
I know I'm probably digging for fresh fruit in the garbage, and as much as anyone, my attitude is, if stuff's sincere, it's gooey and boring and uninteresting. But it's no way to live.
I have a show on MTV called 'Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous.' I think that's a secret to a vast majority of America.
Uncharted territory is a good place to be in.
Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.
I just have a problem with youth culture.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
I'll do that tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and it's still today. Tomorrow is a relative term.
Makes Annie a lot more depressing.
When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
I saw a giraffe with a short neck
That was sad
Or a deer.
I grew up listening to Steve Martin and Robin Williams, so I didn't ever intend to be a musical comedian. I sort of stumbled into it.
I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he's great, such a great dude, and really funny.
Don't worry, I'm hilarious.
I think I wear my hypocrisy on my sleeve. I would never say I'm not a complete hypocrite.
I fully embrace myself as a hypocrite.
I'm grateful for every stupid mistake and dumb joke I tried to make.
The thing is, I was on YouTube like the golden era, I think. Before ads came in, it was really cool back then.
Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.
The strange thing was, when I was starting on YouTube, even the paradigm of YouTube and Internet sensation -- or whatever -- that didn't really exist. So I didn't even know that that was a thing.
'Words, Words, Words' was very much its title. It's just words, words, words and trying to show that I can pack as much material into an hour as I possibly could word count-wise.
I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear, and that's what makes it comedy.
At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.
At the time of 'Words, Words, Words,' I'm a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he's entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that's inherently a little bit ridiculous.
I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.
Most of my songs make fun of myself.
In high school, I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in -- and I never went.
I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone's watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it.
I'm bored way too easily. I'm staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?
I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.
I've always liked the format of YouTube, sharing things for free, which is a nice exchange between people.
I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'
For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.
There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind.
I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy -- I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.
I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.
Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.