Title Image - Quotes by Author Bob Saget

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Bob Saget. We hope you enjoy pondering them and please share widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Bob Saget

Robert Lane Saget (born May 17, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television host and director. His television roles include Danny Tanner on the ABC sitcom Full House (1987–1995) and its Netflix sequel Fuller House. He also hosted America's Funniest Home Videos from 1989 to 1997. Saget is also known for his adult-oriented stand-up routine. He also provided the voice of the future Ted Mosby on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother from 2005 to 2014.

Saget's 2014 comedy album, That's What I'm Talkin' About, was nominated for the Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album.

I really love standup because it's something that I've been literally doing for 40 years, which means I'm a thousand years old.

--Bob Saget

I've never not felt relevant.

--Bob Saget

I have a couple of jokes that are politically oriented, but it just sickens me to do them.

--Bob Saget

Now I've literally become neighborhood watch. I call 911 on people. I'm the old man driving 25-miles-per-hour down Sunset.

--Bob Saget

The whole thing for me is that I did 'Full House' and 'America's Funniest Home Videos,' and I look like a dentist, and I'm a dad. Being known as a dirty comedian turned into this weird thing. It's people's image of me.

--Bob Saget

It's interesting to talk to young comedians. I love it because it makes me go, 'Oh, that's how I can be funny.'

--Bob Saget

I am a fortunate man in that all three of my daughters are exceptional. Very high beings, very smart people, very wonderful and very brilliant, very beautiful. They're all artists.

--Bob Saget

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

--Bob Saget

I had enough therapy to know when I broke it down, it became clearer to me: Yes, comedy was kind of a cleansing thing for me to do.

--Bob Saget

Unless cameras were rolling, I was pretty much not Danny Tanner.

--Bob Saget

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

--Bob Saget

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

--Bob Saget

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

--Bob Saget

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

--Bob Saget

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

--Bob Saget

I have nine compartments in my brain, and four of them don't stop.

--Bob Saget

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

--Bob Saget

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

--Bob Saget

I think things just happen to people. That's healthier, I feel, than believing there's some grand scheme where your story is already inscribed in the Book of Life. Books get rewritten.

--Bob Saget

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

--Bob Saget

I've just never been a person that was political or religiously savvy. Except for the fact that I was born Jewish. That gives me 10 circumcision jokes.

--Bob Saget

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

--Bob Saget

It's still a soft R, but when I watch other people's standup, I'm dumbfounded that people call me dirty. That's only because I did family television.

--Bob Saget

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

--Bob Saget

Valuable people are undervalued.

--Bob Saget

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

--Bob Saget

Some dead people said smart stuff.

--Bob Saget

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

--Bob Saget

People learn English from 'Full House.' Candace's husband, Valeri Bure, he learned to speak English watching it... 'Aw, nuts.' 'You got it, dude.'

--Bob Saget

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

--Bob Saget

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

--Bob Saget

I wasn't the first choice for the role of Danny Tanner. Betty White was. Not true, but there was another actor whom they had shot the pilot with.

--Bob Saget

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

--Bob Saget

As soon as I go into a dark subject, like discussing the people I've loved and lost, I off-road into absurdist comedy perversion. It's both a means of protection and a kind of denial, a blessing and a curse. Wait, it's not a blessing at all. I guess it would be a bad habit and a curse.

--Bob Saget

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

--Bob Saget

Like with any good art form, if you can entertain people and make them think, it's an honor. It's just an honor to be a comedian.

--Bob Saget

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

--Bob Saget

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

--Bob Saget

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

--Bob Saget

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

--Bob Saget

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one -- she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

--Bob Saget

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

--Bob Saget

I've taken Midol before. My daughters find that hilarious. I had a headache and cramps, and there were no other pain relievers with caffeine in the house.

--Bob Saget

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

--Bob Saget

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

--Bob Saget

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

--Bob Saget

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they're both in my car and I want you to see them.

--Bob Saget

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

--Bob Saget

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

--Bob Saget

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

--Bob Saget

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

--Bob Saget

I love my mom! You can too for $12!

--Bob Saget

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

--Bob Saget

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

--Bob Saget

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

--Bob Saget

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

--Bob Saget

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

--Bob Saget

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

--Bob Saget

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

--Bob Saget

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

--Bob Saget

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that Ive had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitzs play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.

--Bob Saget

Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?

--Bob Saget

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

--Bob Saget

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

--Bob Saget

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

--Bob Saget

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.

--Bob Saget

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

--Bob Saget

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

--Bob Saget

When you have a good time there is no time.

--Bob Saget

There's just something about the audiences in Detroit that I've always felt connected to. Detroit is different.

--Bob Saget

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

--Bob Saget

Celebrity is a word that I find offensive. That's the c-word. I hate it. It means no discernible talent. It means all you want is to be famous. It doesn't mean you're a writer, an actor, a mime. I think I wanna not be a celebrity.

--Bob Saget

In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.

--Bob Saget

One of the first things I ever did was 'Critical Condition.' That was before 'Full House.' It was a Richard Pryor movie. I didn't have a giant part, but I was in it throughout. I loved the heck out of it.

--Bob Saget

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

--Bob Saget

I've met so many remarkable people so far, coming up through stand-up all these years, who just aren't alive anymore. Because they are dead. Some really great people who helped change my life and career, people like Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Rodney Dangerfield, Johnny Carson.

--Bob Saget

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

--Bob Saget

Comedians' first ten minutes usually stay with them the first several years of their career. It's their mission statement. Their disclaimer that lets people know who they are. Or were. It's also a good time to make fun of your name if you have a funny or strange one.

--Bob Saget

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

--Bob Saget

When you've seen a lot of bad stuff and just want to enjoy your life and be happy and have your kids happy and have your friends happy, you just have a value system where it raises the bar on what's important.

--Bob Saget

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

--Bob Saget

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

--Bob Saget

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

--Bob Saget

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.

--Bob Saget

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

--Bob Saget

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is -- reading the news or speaking to people.

--Bob Saget

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

--Bob Saget

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

--Bob Saget

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously -- accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

--Bob Saget

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

--Bob Saget

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

--Bob Saget

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

--Bob Saget

I was so depressed for so many years over trying to become a working comedian that my sense of self-worth would plummet.

--Bob Saget

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

--Bob Saget

25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.

--Bob Saget

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

--Bob Saget

Know a quote that we are missing? Please use our suggest a quote form below and let us know. Thank YOU for visiting -- we wish you a perfect day!