Quotes by Bob Saget

I really love standup because it's something that I've been literally doing for 40 years, which means I'm a thousand years old.

I've never not felt relevant.

I have a couple of jokes that are politically oriented, but it just sickens me to do them.

Now I've literally become neighborhood watch. I call 911 on people. I'm the old man driving 25-miles-per-hour down Sunset.

The whole thing for me is that I did 'Full House' and 'America's Funniest Home Videos,' and I look like a dentist, and I'm a dad. Being known as a dirty comedian turned into this weird thing. It's people's image of me.

It's interesting to talk to young comedians. I love it because it makes me go, 'Oh, that's how I can be funny.'

I am a fortunate man in that all three of my daughters are exceptional. Very high beings, very smart people, very wonderful and very brilliant, very beautiful. They're all artists.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I had enough therapy to know when I broke it down, it became clearer to me: Yes, comedy was kind of a cleansing thing for me to do.

Unless cameras were rolling, I was pretty much not Danny Tanner.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

I have nine compartments in my brain, and four of them don't stop.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

I think things just happen to people. That's healthier, I feel, than believing there's some grand scheme where your story is already inscribed in the Book of Life. Books get rewritten.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

I've just never been a person that was political or religiously savvy. Except for the fact that I was born Jewish. That gives me 10 circumcision jokes.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

It's still a soft R, but when I watch other people's standup, I'm dumbfounded that people call me dirty. That's only because I did family television.

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

Valuable people are undervalued.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

People learn English from 'Full House.' Candace's husband, Valeri Bure, he learned to speak English watching it... 'Aw, nuts.' 'You got it, dude.'

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

I wasn't the first choice for the role of Danny Tanner. Betty White was. Not true, but there was another actor whom they had shot the pilot with.

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

As soon as I go into a dark subject, like discussing the people I've loved and lost, I off-road into absurdist comedy perversion. It's both a means of protection and a kind of denial, a blessing and a curse. Wait, it's not a blessing at all. I guess it would be a bad habit and a curse.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

Like with any good art form, if you can entertain people and make them think, it's an honor. It's just an honor to be a comedian.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one -- she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

I've taken Midol before. My daughters find that hilarious. I had a headache and cramps, and there were no other pain relievers with caffeine in the house.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they're both in my car and I want you to see them.

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

When you have a good time there is no time.

There's just something about the audiences in Detroit that I've always felt connected to. Detroit is different.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Celebrity is a word that I find offensive. That's the c-word. I hate it. It means no discernible talent. It means all you want is to be famous. It doesn't mean you're a writer, an actor, a mime. I think I wanna not be a celebrity.

In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.

One of the first things I ever did was 'Critical Condition.' That was before 'Full House.' It was a Richard Pryor movie. I didn't have a giant part, but I was in it throughout. I loved the heck out of it.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

I've met so many remarkable people so far, coming up through stand-up all these years, who just aren't alive anymore. Because they are dead. Some really great people who helped change my life and career, people like Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Rodney Dangerfield, Johnny Carson.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Comedians' first ten minutes usually stay with them the first several years of their career. It's their mission statement. Their disclaimer that lets people know who they are. Or were. It's also a good time to make fun of your name if you have a funny or strange one.

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

When you've seen a lot of bad stuff and just want to enjoy your life and be happy and have your kids happy and have your friends happy, you just have a value system where it raises the bar on what's important.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is -- reading the news or speaking to people.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously -- accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

I was so depressed for so many years over trying to become a working comedian that my sense of self-worth would plummet.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

I really love making people laugh.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

Yet there are some people -- Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on -- what will a family do out of desperation.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

I don't like the negative of reality tv -- the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

I never expected to live this long.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

I become a chameleon for wherever I am.