Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States.
We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to sh*t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f***ing lactose intolerance?!
You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. $5,000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders.
If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what they want to do. When you are raised by two parents, you are constantly watching compromise take place. Just by observing that, it made me a better person.
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! I believe you have my property!
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'
When you're doing a big-budget movie and you're four on the call sheet, you've got a lot of free time.
My mother always says: You know better, so you'll be punished. Your friends don't know better, so they won't be punished. They can go snatch chains and they'll be fine. But if you snatch chains, you'll end up in jail because you know better.
Standup comedians are attracted to one another because of their faults. So we're all kind of messed up in the same way, and once I was around a group of people that saw the world in a different way, it's like this is where I need to be.
I never had the confidence to say I was going to be in front of the camera as a comedian until I saw Eddie Murphy years later.
The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.
The thing about Barack Obama, just from being around him, is he's cooler than the other politicians, but just nerdy enough to do the job. Like you can't be really cool and be the president.
I'm old enough to remember when there were no black quarterbacks -- there were no blacks on TV. I hope my son or daughter doesn't have to be as fixated on race as I am, because he or she will grow up in freer times.
When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.
There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.
I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes -- they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.
Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.
Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?
There's always a moment in any stand-up show I do where people are booing. They kinda boo a premise. And then I bail myself out with a joke. But it's like trying to do movies where there's a dramatic undertone.
I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, USA! USA! USA! Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?
If you told me two years I would miss the greatest basketball game ever to hang out with Nathan Lane, I'd say, 'You're crazy!'
I see guys who can't make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards.
You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.
Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.
People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.
I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!
People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.
Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.
So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.
I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself -- people like to see that.
The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny.
I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.
Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.
I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.
A comedian has to live in his head. All this comedy comes from a lonely place. When you're surrounded by an entourage, you're not living in your head.
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.
I got love from my family. I don't really need love from a paper, you know what I mean? I can't get too happy because somebody said something nice about me. I appreciate it, but let's not get it twisted -- this is not changing my life.
When you become a comedian a lot of stuff that made you laugh before just stops. You stop watching your old cartoons you used to watch. You stop reading the funnies. It's like working at a strip club. You don't come home and turn on the Playboy Channel.
I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go What did I say?! I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go Eww, that was mean.
I learned pretty quickly that it's your WORK ETHIC that LEVELS THE PLAYING FIELD. Education helps, but I've met failures who have Ph.D.s. I believe the hardest worker is always going to win.
I'm looking forward to not being tired around my child. My father was tired a lot. I want to play ball with my child without having to grab my shoulder because I'm not physically fit. And I want to really teach my child and become his or her friend.
All you crazy white people I'm American!, all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?
The thing I try to get across to the writers -- and I do a lot of writing, too -- is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.
Kids raised on a culture of We're not going to keep score in the game because we don't want anybody to lose. Or just ignoring race to a fault. You can't say the black kid over there. No, it's the guy with the red shoes. You can't even be offensive on your way to being inoffensive.
When people try to read between the lines -- critics, they have a job. Their job is to make something bigger than it is.
I've remade a few movies and they all have one thing in common: great endings. If you're going to remake something, make sure that ending is tight. It's a little less challenging, if you have a great ending. If you don't have a great ending, don't remake the movie.
I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you're writing and you're doubting. But when I'm with my kids and my family, it's all about them.
I never watched the Oscars. Come on, it's a fashion show ... What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don't recognize comedy, and you don't see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it?
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!
We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy.
Oprah is rich; Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out of a window and slit his throat on the way down saying, 'I can't even put gas in my plane!'
I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
Hollywood's racist. Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like -- we like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.