Title Image - Quotes by Author Chris Rock

255 Funniest Quotes and Jokes by Chris Rock (Page 2 of 2)

Quote: You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.


Quote: My movies are okay, but they're not my specials. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.


Quote: I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.


Quote: I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.


Quote: My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of Chris Rock quote: My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture.- black text on quotes background

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture.


Quote: Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.


Quote: Pretty girls have problems too. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Pretty girls have problems too.


Quote: Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.


Quote: I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.


Quote: A man is only as faithful as his options. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

A man is only as faithful as his options.


Quote: Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.


Quote: I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.


Quote: A sense of humor is great -- it goes a long, long way in a marriage. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

A sense of humor is great -- it goes a long, long way in a marriage.


Quote: When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.


Quote: A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.


Quote: I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.


Quote: Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.


Quote: My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.


Quote: Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.


Quote: School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.


Quote: Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest! by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!


Quote: You don't pay taxes -- they take taxes. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

You don't pay taxes -- they take taxes.


Quote: Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.


Quote: I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.


Quote: No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.' by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'


Quote: The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.


Quote: Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.


Quote: I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.


Quote: Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.


Quote: Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of Chris Rock quote: Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.- black text on quotes background

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.


Quote: When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.


Quote: Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.


Quote: Movies have takes. But plays are like life -- you don't really get takes. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Movies have takes. But plays are like life -- you don't really get takes.


Quote: Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.


Quote: Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.


Quote: A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.


Quote: Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know? by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?


Quote: After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.


Quote: Funny is only something that others know about you -- you can't be funny by yourself. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Funny is only something that others know about you -- you can't be funny by yourself.


Quote: I love being famous. It's almost like being white. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.


Quote: Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.


Quote: Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.


Quote: I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.


Quote: It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.


Quote: If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.


Quote: Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers -- Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers -- Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.


Quote: The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much. I think this is, in a weird way, part of the health care debate. It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money.


Quote: I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.


Quote: Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.


Quote: I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.


Quote: Anything you can suck at should make you nervous. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.


Quote: Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of Chris Rock quote; white text on black background

Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.


Quote: Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.


Quote: I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.


Quote: Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of photo of author Chris Rock with quote

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.


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