Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.

If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

Pope John Paul didn't die -- he pre-boarded.

Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

We're ready for a real black President -- someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, Dear turkeys and foul maggots.

In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die and then some. Mom, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mom.

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

A lie is a lie ... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.