I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.

It has long been a theory of mine and I am known, if I do say so, for my long theories that authors, generally speaking, are rotten letter writers.

You can't make the Duchess of Windsor into Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. The facts of life are very stubborn things.

In my day the schools taught two things, love of country and penmanship-now they don't teach either.

I consider the 3 most cruelly produced foods to be from lobsters, dropped alive into boiling water, veal from calves separated from their mothers and kept in crates, and pate de foie gras.

There are three terrible ages of childhood -- 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.

Support your right to arm bears.

What this world needs is a new kind of army -- the army of the kind.

One of the ways in which cats show happiness is by sleeping.

I've always had a sneaking fondness for Martin Van Buren. He wrote his autobiography, you know, and never once mentioned his wife. Now that's what I call a mans man.

I told the good Father that if he and I were going in the future to some wonderful Elysian Field and the animals were not going to go anywhere, that was all the more reason to give them a little better shake in the one life they did have.

As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between the Republicans and the Democrats is the Republicans are Socialists and the Democrats are Bolsheviks.

People ask me what makes a good funeral, and I tell them the most important thing is your man in the casket. If you have a man of substance in there, you have the makings of a first-class funeral.

For an animal person, an animal-less home is no home at all.

The people that set one animal against another haven't the guts to be bullies themselves. They're just secondhand cowards.

The opera is like a husband with a foreign title -- expensive to support, hard to understand and therefore a supreme social challenge.

There are three terrible ages of childhood -- 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.

Every damn President since I can remember has been so in love with foreign policy that they're just like a schoolboy with a new girl.

The customer is always right! John Wanamaker must be turning in his grave. If you're a customer today, you're an intruder.

Man has an infinite capacity to rationalize -- especially when it comes to what he wants to eat.