Quotes by Dane Cook

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

I always wanted to do a Bandamp;E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not all but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

If haters or whatever want to find you -- I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.

There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.

There's estrogen running through my veins!

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some

phobias.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: Hey, perfect.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I can't watch a woman play with herself -- to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy -- we know you're just playing.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.