Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

Sometimes I cross my own line...it's how I know I still have one.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

Big can be beautiful -- just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they've been good to me.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I'm a homer, so the closer I perform to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 -- 0 is not enjoyable -- unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time -- it's how I know I still have one.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live

your dream.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago -- that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I'm a Bad Test Taker…you mean you're stupid?

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.