574 Inspiring Quotes by Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

The Internet, transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

The internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings, even the truth.

Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a 'type of weevil.'

The easiest way to make a fruit cake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who genuinely have a medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty seven year olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of MandMs and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

Without a question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient for beer.

The government: What we can as citizens do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

Like most Americans, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Belgium, and thus sthere are many things I don't know about it as a country, such as which specific continent it is located on.

I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.

If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person.

The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.

If, when you appear at the breakfast table, your wife laughs to hard that she spits out her toast, you should consider wearing a different tie.

What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a modem can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, How in a free country such as this, can we ban video games and golf, yet continue to permit stamp collecting?

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

What Dad means by see of course, is drive past at 67 miles per hour. Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.

The truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
MOOD ONE: Just about to cry.
MOOD TWO: Crying.
MOOD THREE: Just finished crying.

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say your child. MY child just wants to eat the toys.

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands. -- Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline.

It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you're in the closet if you don't go around talking about it.

As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.

He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.

Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.

Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, being a humorist gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

You can only be young once but you can always be immature.

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a dynamite tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

I really, really like Suzana Delgado, who is the most beautiful girl in the eighth grade and probably the world. She has like 183 million Instagram followers.

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor -- I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.

Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big let down.

This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe.

The older I get and the more fiction I write, the more I outline, the more I think about plot before I dive in and plunge too far.

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

I always wanted to write when I was a kid; it just never occurred to me that you could have a job that didn't involve any actual work.... I felt it would be fun to have a job like that where you could make stuff up and be irresponsible and get paid for it.

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land. (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots).

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

American tax laws are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.

Simply by eliminating description, the screenwriter can work his way through the entire plot in a single morning, leaving the afternoon free for screenwriter leisure activities such as drugs.

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was -- prepare to be shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.

Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby. So I got a hobby. I make beer.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

With humor you have so many options with topics and length, I mean I can write humor essays in books now and they can be as long as I want them to be.

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a.

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how.

We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.