The information superhighway? That sounds like a place that's long and boring and kills 50,000 people a year.

I always wanted to live in a haunted house.

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

I love my own coincidences and love to hear other peoples' stories.

Anything seen on TV is, in a subtle and sinister sense, thereby endorsed.

Music bypasses the brain and goes straight to the heart. I wish my life had more of it.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty -- and evaporating quickly.

In the main, ghosts are said to be forlorn and generally miserable, if not downright depressed. The jolly ghost is rare.

It was well after college that I learned about depression. I got my first job for Jack Paar. I realized I was sleeping 14 hours a day and just living for the Paar show.

There is something about a Luger that separates it from all other handguns, and Luger devotees and Luger society members speak of it in romantic terms that must sound plain nuts to those who consider themselves level-headed.

Great humorists are great insulters.

I have never been converted to or even had much interest in spiritualism, occultism, Swedenborgianism or any particular religion. And I never, except occasionally for a laugh, visit the quacks who call themselves psychics.

Depression -- it falls into that small category of things like combat that, if you haven't been in it, you can say you can imagine it all you like. But it's truly different.

It's lamented that the youth get their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. It's lamentable that they get more from them than from the news.

Greatly talented performers don't know -- often spectacularly -- what's best for them, don't know what their talents really are, and don't know what's just plain wrong for them.

Sloppy language leads to sloppy thought, and sloppy thought to sloppy legislation.

A biggest mistake I made when I started doing a talk show was I thought you had to read the books.

Why anyone, by dying, should thereby be declared beyond criticism, innocent of wrongdoing, suddenly filled with virtue and above reproach escapes me.

I have yet to see one of those Comedy Central shows with multiple standup comics that doesn't include someone the size of the Hindenburg.

By the time I was in the fourth grade, I sounded exactly like my father on the phone.