Quotes by Erma Bombeck
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She's as funny as a toothache.

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

Not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing real men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

He who laughs.....lasts.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

Friends are annuals that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a perennial that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.

My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.

Laugh now, cry later.

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint -- like a heartbeat. And pure love -- why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

God created man, but I could do better.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.