Quotes by Erma Bombeck (Page 2 of 2)

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

God created man, but I could do better.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.