long-coated brown animalPhoto Credit: Dan Cook

Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes

Classically funny quotes always bring a smile to one's day so we have assembled this list of the best classically funny tongue-in-cheek quotes to brighten your day. May they bring you some LOLs and maybe even a ROFL. (-: If you enjoy them, please share. Have a fabulously fun and funny day!

Quote: When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. by author Rita Rudner overlaid on photo of brown mountain
Photo Credit: lovely shots

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.


Quote: I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. by author Rita Rudner overlaid on photo of white and brown corgi besides brown dog
Photo Credit: Alvan Nee

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.


Quote: The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. by author Fred Allen overlaid on photo of landscape photography of waves and clouds
Photo Credit: Ant Rozetsky

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.


Quote: May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of green leafed trees during daytime

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


Quote: Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. by author Spanish proverbs overlaid on photo of black and white photo of woman looking upward
Photo Credit: Peter Sjo

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.


Quote: A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. by author W. C. Fields overlaid on photo of photo of author W. C. Fields with quote

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.


Quote: If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. by author Rob Corddry overlaid on photo of aerial view of gray building on brown sand
Photo Credit: Austin Goode

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.


Quote: Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of three person looking stars and milky way
Photo Credit: Benjamin Davies

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


Quote: We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. by author George Bernard Shaw overlaid on photo of brown Scottish fold in brown thick-pile blanket
Photo Credit: Mikhail Vasilyev

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.


Quote: The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. by author Bertrand Russell overlaid on photo of sunset
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.


Quote: I think, therefore I’m single. by author Liz Winston overlaid on photo of woman in white and multicolored floral shirt standing and smiling on yellow sunflower field
Photo Credit: Lauren Richmond

I think, therefore I’m single.


Quote: Love, honor, and negotiate. by author Alan Loy McGinnis overlaid on photo of aerial photo of brown moutains
Photo Credit: JOHN TOWNER

Love, honor, and negotiate.


Quote: The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. by author Will Rogers overlaid on photo of green and red flowers
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.


Quote: Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. by author Oscar Ameringer overlaid on photo of blue sky with stars during night time
Photo Credit: José Reyes

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.


Quote: A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him. by author Elbert Hubbard overlaid on photo of red flowers with water droplets
Photo Credit: Leonardo Corral

A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.


If you must make a noise, make it quietly.


Quote: Political correctness is tyranny with manners. by author Charlton Heston overlaid on photo of monarch butterfly perched on green leaf in close up photography during daytime
Photo Credit: Sonika Agarwal

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.


Quote: People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. by author A. A. Milne overlaid on photo of man holding his black suit
Photo Credit: Jeremy Beadle

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.


Quote: A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. by author Unknown Author overlaid on photo of sunset
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.


Quote: Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of red rose illustration
Photo Credit: Kyaw Tun

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.


Quote: Never miss a good chance to shut up. by author Will Rogers overlaid on photo of person holding fan of 100 us dollar bill
Photo Credit: Igal Ness

Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Quote: Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. by author Dale Carnegie overlaid on photo of rolls royce car wallpaper
Photo Credit: Taras Chernus

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


Quote: A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of black and white striped textile
Photo Credit: Mitchell Luo

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.


Quote: If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. by author Dalai Lama overlaid on photo of man and woman standing outside during winter
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.


Quote: Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. by author Oscar Wilde overlaid on photo of aerial photo of green trees
Photo Credit: Marita Kavelashvili

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


Quote: A true friend stabs you in the front. by author Oscar Wilde overlaid on photo of shallow focus photo of person sitting on concrete bench
Photo Credit: Belinda Fewings

A true friend stabs you in the front.


Quote: Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. by author William Arthur Ward overlaid on photo of snow covered brown mountain
Photo Credit: Martin Jernberg

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.


Quote: A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. by author Texas Guinan overlaid on photo of white snow mountain
Photo Credit: Olivier Miche

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.


Quote: Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. by author Thomas Szasz overlaid on photo of man in red shirt sitting on white suv during daytime
Photo Credit: Alexandre Barbosa

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.


Quote: The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. by author Terry Pratchett overlaid on photo of man and woman sitting and kissing on post near the body of water
Photo Credit: Kinga Cichewicz

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.


Quote: You cannot be anything if you want to be everything. by author Solomon Schechter overlaid on photo of close shot of yellow flowers
Photo Credit: Masaaki Komori

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.


Quote: I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. by author Rodney Dangerfield overlaid on photo of person submerged on body of water holding sparkler
Photo Credit: Kristopher Roller

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.


Quote: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. by author Mark Twain overlaid on photo of long exposure photography of trees
Photo Credit: Christian Wiediger

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. As in the words of Wayne Dyer, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Sometimes to know with certainty that a particular thing is "true", will actually be the very thing that keeps you from attaining the things you seek to achieve.


Quote: Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. by author Jim Davis overlaid on photo of person holding fencing sword
Photo Credit: alevision.co

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.


Quote: People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. by author Isaac Asimov overlaid on photo of silhouette photo of person holding flashlight under milk way
Photo Credit: Manouchehr Hejazi

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.


Quote: Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. by author H. L. Mencken overlaid on photo of photo of author H. L. Mencken with quote

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.


Quote: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of black pug puppy
Photo Credit: Charles Deluvio

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.


Quote: Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of person holding heart shaped red balloon
Photo Credit: Ryan 'O' Niel

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


Quote: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city. by author George Burns overlaid on photo of white analog wall clock at 11 00
Photo Credit: Akram Huseyn

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.


Quote: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. by author François de La Rochefoucauld overlaid on photo of Rialto Bridge, Venice Italy
Photo Credit: Damiano Baschiera

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.


Quote: Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. by author Elbert Hubbard overlaid on photo of person holding brown leaf
Photo Credit: Caleb Jones

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.


Quote: As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. by author Dick Cavett overlaid on photo of tilt shift lens pink fetal flowers
Photo Credit: Daiga Ellaby

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.


Quote: Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word. by author Charles de Gaulle overlaid on photo of black and white papilio butterfly
Photo Credit: Boris Smokrovic

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.


Quote: Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. by author Bertrand Russell overlaid on photo of landscape photography of road at savannah
Photo Credit: Nikola Knezevic

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.


Quote: The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. by author Al McGuire overlaid on photo of green and white abstract painting
Photo Credit: Gayatri Malhotra

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.


Quote: Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. by author Alan Dundes overlaid on photo of pink rose in close up photography
Photo Credit: Alice Mourou

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Quote: The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. by author Andy Rooney overlaid on photo of fawn pug on bed
Photo Credit: Mink Mingle

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.


Quote: A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey. by author Unknown Author overlaid on photo of body of water under cloudy sky at night
Photo Credit: Lukas Robertson

A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.


Quote: Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. by author Dan Rather overlaid on photo of photo of author Dan Rather with quote

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.


Quote: I'd rather be over the hill than under it. by author George Burns overlaid on photo of 100 U.S. dollar banknote lot
Photo Credit: Mackenzie Marco

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.


Quote: Man has will, but woman has her way. by author Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.  overlaid on photo of photo of author Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.  with quote

Man has will, but woman has her way.


Quote: The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. by author Franklin P. Jones overlaid on photo of man running on seashore
Photo Credit: Aan Nizal

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.


Quote: Chuck Norris can divide by zero. by author Oliver Reed overlaid on photo of brown long coated small dog
Photo Credit: sq lim

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


Quote: Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. by author Alexander Woollcott overlaid on photo of photo of author Alexander Woollcott with quote

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.


Quote: We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. by author Alanis Morissette overlaid on photo of saguaro
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.


Quote: Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. by author Judith Viorst overlaid on photo of silhouette of stones during golden hour
Photo Credit: KAL VISUALS

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.


Quote: Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces. by author Judith Viorst overlaid on photo of white stone woman sculpture
Photo Credit: Daria Sheveleva

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces.


Quote: I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. by author Phyllis Diller overlaid on photo of blue glass heart
Photo Credit: Tim Mossholder

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.


Quote: Dogs have owners, cats have staff. by author Unknown Author overlaid on photo of Russian Blue cat sleeping on whit textile
Photo Credit: Alexander Possingham

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.


Quote: The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it. by author Erma Bombeck overlaid on photo of cloudy sky
Photo Credit: Anandu Vinod

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.


Quote: Divorces are made in heaven. by author Oscar Wilde overlaid on photo of rainbow
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Divorces are made in heaven.


Quote: Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of. by author Bruce Lanskiy overlaid on photo of worm's eye view of trees during night time
Photo Credit: Ryan Hutton

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of.


Quote: The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. by author Clarence Day overlaid on photo of body of water surrounded with plants under cloudy sky
Photo Credit: Tyler Lastovich

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.


Quote: The problem with political jokes is they get elected. by author Henry Cate VII overlaid on photo of sunset and agave stalk
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.


Quote: Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you. by author Dolly Parton overlaid on photo of sunset
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.


Quote: Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty. by author Joan Rivers overlaid on photo of person with black tattoo on left hand
Photo Credit: Sincerely Media

Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty.


Quote: Snack time heals all wounds. by author Bridger Winegar overlaid on photo of statue of liberty new york city
Photo Credit: Marcelo Cidrack

Snack time heals all wounds.


Quote: I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. by author W. C. Fields overlaid on photo of photo of author W. C. Fields with quote

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.


Quote: The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most. by author Ask Ann Landers overlaid on photo of photo of author Ask Ann Landers with quote

The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.


Quote: When I jog I joggle. by author Ogden Nash overlaid on photo of grassland
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

When I jog I joggle.


Quote: Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. by author Adrienne Gusoff overlaid on photo of stars in the sky during night time
Photo Credit: James Lee

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.


Quote: The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn. by author Grant Tucker overlaid on photo of man in white shirt and black pants standing on top of building
Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.


Quote: The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. by author Robert Frost overlaid on photo of silhouette of stones during golden hour
Photo Credit: KAL VISUALS

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.


Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.


Quote: A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age. by author Robert Frost overlaid on photo of man and woman facing backward while woman's head on man's shoulder on tip of hill
Photo Credit: Aiony Haust

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.


Quote: Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. by author Mark Twain overlaid on photo of blue rose in close up photography
Photo Credit: Cmst May

Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.


Quote: Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before. by author Mae West overlaid on photo of landscape photography of horizon
Photo Credit: Jake Hills

Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.


Quote: Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men. by author Mae West overlaid on photo of sunset with rainbow
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.


Quote: Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! by author Billy Connolly overlaid on photo of photo of author Billy Connolly with quote

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!


Quote: You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either. by author Steve Martin overlaid on photo of white pillar candle on black surface
Photo Credit: Lilya Alis

You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either.




Quote: Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of grassland landscape
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.


Quote: Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. by author Dave Barry overlaid on photo of photo of author Dave Barry with quote

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.


Quote: My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it. by author Buddy Hackett overlaid on photo of selective focus photo of four green humming birds with red flowers
Photo Credit: James Wainscoat

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.


Quote: Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of watch on wrist wallpaper
Photo Credit: Ness P. Colmart

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.


Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?


Quote: I married beneath me. All women do. by author Nancy Astor overlaid on photo of person's hand holding round silver analog watch with black leather strap
Photo Credit: Wil Stewart

I married beneath me. All women do.


Quote: Love is just a chocolate substitute. by author Melanie Clark Pullen overlaid on photo of low angle photography of green and brown tree
Photo Credit: Mathias P.R. Reding

Love is just a chocolate substitute.


Quote: I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. by author Rita Rudner overlaid on photo of butterfly on clear glass sheet in selective focus photography
Photo Credit: Pa±ra±l Osmanoalu

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.


Quote: Reality: What a concept! by author Robin Williams overlaid on photo of brown and black butterfly on red flower
Photo Credit: Joshua J. Cotten

Reality: What a concept!


Quote: Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of yellow labrador retriever puppy sitting on floor
Photo Credit: Taylor Kopel

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.


Quote: In God we trust; all others pay cash. by author Jean Shepherd overlaid on photo of turned on desk lamp beside pile of books
Photo Credit: Jez Timms

In God we trust; all others pay cash.


Quote: A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere. by author Warren Buffett overlaid on photo of silhouette of man and woman playing guitars
Photo Credit: Mike Giles

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.


Quote: Sacred cows make the best hamburger. by author Mark Twain overlaid on photo of cup of coffee
Photo Credit: Sincerely Media

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.


Quote: I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. by author Phyllis Diller overlaid on photo of couple kissing beside seashore
Photo Credit: Ryan Young

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.


Quote: Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. by author Oscar Wilde overlaid on photo of double coin stack wallpaper
Photo Credit: Tezos

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.


Quote: Good people drink good beer. by author Hunter S. Thompson overlaid on photo of two mugs of brown liquids
Photo Credit: kazuend

Good people drink good beer.


I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.


Quote: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of four handheld gardening tools on rack
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.


Quote: I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own. by author Si Robertson overlaid on photo of telescope
Photo Credit: Diogo Brandao

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.


Quote: Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister. by author Bob Irwin overlaid on photo of sunset
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.


Quote: I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. by author Woody Allen overlaid on photo of boy in front of computer monitor
Photo Credit: Arif Riyanto

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.


Quote: Sane is boring. by author R. A. Salvatore overlaid on photo of shallow focus photography of white feather dropping in person's hand
Photo Credit: Javardh

Sane is boring.


Quote: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of round Timex analog clock at 2:33
Photo Credit: Sonja Langford

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


Quote: Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us. by author Stephen Colbert overlaid on photo of woman in red tube dress holding wine glass
Photo Credit: Laura Chouette

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.


Quote: Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. by author Woody Allen overlaid on photo of pendant LED bulb
Photo Credit: Felix Steininger

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


Quote: He who laughs last didn't get the joke. by author Charles de Gaulle overlaid on photo of photo of author Charles de Gaulle with quote

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.


Quote: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of desert grassland
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.


Quote: The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions. by author Robert Brault overlaid on photo of woman looking up to the sky while standing on white sand
Photo Credit: averie woodard

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.


Quote: Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? by author Edgar Bergen overlaid on photo of grayscale photo of person and dog holding hands
Photo Credit: Fabian Gieske

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?


Quote: Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. by author Woody Allen overlaid on photo of grassland landscape
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.


Quote: When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. by author Will Rogers overlaid on photo of brown squirrel on tree log
Photo Credit: Sebastian Latorre

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.


Quote: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of yellow Labrador puppy running on field
Photo Credit: cristian castillo

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Quote: It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! by author Steven Weinberg overlaid on photo of pink flower with green stem
Photo Credit: Jocelyn Morales

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!


Quote: The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going. by author Reinhard Bonnke overlaid on photo of women's black and pink monokini
Photo Credit: Darius Bashar

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.




Quote: I am only human, although I regret it. by author Mark Twain overlaid on photo of kitten lying on red and white quatrefoil textile
Photo Credit: Jonathan Fink

I am only human, although I regret it.


Quote: Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. by author Laurence J. Peter overlaid on photo of silhouette of person jumping in mid air
Photo Credit: Aziz Acharki

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.


Quote: The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he. by author Karl Kraus overlaid on photo of green ceramic mug beside book
Photo Credit: Aaron Burden

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.


Quote: The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. by author Josh Billings overlaid on photo of closeup photo of turned-on blue and white laptop computer
Photo Credit: Philipp Katzenberger

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.


Quote: Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. by author Jackie Mason overlaid on photo of black laptop computer turned on beside black ceramic mug
Photo Credit: Mohammad Rahmani

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.


Quote: Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. by author Jim Rohn overlaid on photo of man in black tank top standing near tree under starry night
Photo Credit: Chinh Le Duc

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.


Quote: The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. by author Jim Harrison overlaid on photo of brown wallpaper
Photo Credit: Jeremy Bishop

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.


Quote: Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of brown and black tiger near body of water
Photo Credit: Ratanjot Singh

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.


Quote: If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of silhouette photo of trees during night time
Photo Credit: Casey Horner

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


Quote: I'm in shape. Round is a shape. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of fawn pug eating food

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.


Quote: Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. by author François de La Rochefoucauld overlaid on photo of airplane wing above body of water during daytime
Photo Credit: Kirill

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.


Quote: I drink to make other people more interesting. by author Ernest Hemingway overlaid on photo of four wooden boat on teal sea
Photo Credit: Jakob Owens

I drink to make other people more interesting.


Quote: The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. by author Edward Abbey overlaid on photo of black and silver retractable pen on blank book
Photo Credit: Mike Tinnion

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.


Quote: Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. by author E. B. White overlaid on photo of photo of author E. B. White with quote

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.


Quote: Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. by author Doug Larson overlaid on photo of raccoon walking on lawn grass
Photo Credit: Gary Bendig

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.


Quote: Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. by author David Letterman overlaid on photo of photo of author David Letterman with quote

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.


Quote: My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. by author Caroline Rhea overlaid on photo of black and white duck on brown wooden dock during daytime
Photo Credit: Mark König

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.


Quote: Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? by author Benny Hill overlaid on photo of photo of author Benny Hill with quote

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?


It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.


Quote: Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. by author Albert Einstein overlaid on photo of two person hiking on gray mountain
Photo Credit: Maja Kochanowska

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.


Quote: The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. by author Abraham Lincoln overlaid on photo of round ceramic bowl with lighted candle
Photo Credit: CHIRAG K

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.


Quote: Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe. by author Nearly Headless Nick overlaid on photo of mountains with trees under white star at night
Photo Credit: Nathan Anderson

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.


Quote: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. by author Miles Kington overlaid on photo of person standing on rock formation during daytime
Photo Credit: Paul Gilmore

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Quote: Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of heart-shaped red and beige pendant
Photo Credit: Debby Hudson

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.


Quote: I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. by author Zach Galifianakis overlaid on photo of brown leaf tree facing the lake
Photo Credit: Aaron Burden

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.


Quote: I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. by author Zach Galifianakis overlaid on photo of pink rose in close up photography
Photo Credit: Anna Pavlin

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.


Quote: The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. by author Zach Galifianakis overlaid on photo of four men sitting beside table
Photo Credit: Ashkan Forouzani

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.


Quote: Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet. by author Will Ferrell overlaid on photo of people walking on hallway
Photo Credit: Donny Jiang

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.


Quote: Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life. by author Will Ferrell overlaid on photo of gray and brown hummingbird perching on yellow petaled flower
Photo Credit: John Duncan

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.


Quote: Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. by author Will Ferrell overlaid on photo of white flowers
Photo Credit: Veri Ivanova

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.


Quote: First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. by author Steve Martin overlaid on photo of white and black satellite dish on brown field during night time
Photo Credit: Simon Delalande

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.


Quote: I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself. by author Robin Williams overlaid on photo of high-angle photography of mountain at sunset
Photo Credit: Casey Horner

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.


Quote: It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for. by author Ricky Gervais overlaid on photo of photo of author Ricky Gervais with quote

It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.


Quote: Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. by author Jim Carrey overlaid on photo of green and blue chevron textile
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.


Quote: You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music. by author Jim Carrey overlaid on photo of silhouette of person standing against windowpane
Photo Credit: Nathan Dumlao

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.


Quote: Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. by author Jerry Seinfeld overlaid on photo of black mountain under blue sky during night time
Photo Credit: Marcus Dall Col

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.


Quote: Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of man in white suit standing beside woman in white dress on rock during daytime
Photo Credit: Allison Heine

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.


Quote: Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of pink and green flower painting
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.


Quote: Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of yellow butterfly on pink flowers
Photo Credit: Dulcey Lima

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.


Quote: Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. by author Beth McCollister overlaid on photo of person holding gray leaf
Photo Credit: Jakob Owens

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.


Quote: I'd like to live like a poor man -- only with lots of money. by author Pablo Picasso overlaid on photo of rock formation above water
Photo Credit: Vincent Guth

I'd like to live like a poor man -- only with lots of money.


Quote: Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. by author Will Rogers overlaid on photo of brown hedgehog
Photo Credit: Liudmyla Denysiuk

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.


Quote: When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. by author Cathy Guisewite overlaid on photo of orange abstract painting
Photo Credit: Kathleen MacGregor

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.


Quote: I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. by author Mark Twain overlaid on photo of pink heart art
Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.


Quote: Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. by author Bill Murray overlaid on photo of fountain pen on spiral book
Photo Credit: Aaron Burden

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.


Quote: I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. by author Lily Tomlin overlaid on photo of Rialto Bridge, Venice Italy
Photo Credit: Damiano Baschiera

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.


Quote: Puns are the highest form of literature. by author Alfred Hitchcock overlaid on photo of photo of author Alfred Hitchcock with quote

Puns are the highest form of literature.


Quote: The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. by author Dorothy Parker overlaid on photo of photo of author Dorothy Parker with quote

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.


Quote: What a kid I got -- I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. by author Rodney Dangerfield overlaid on photo of photo of man walking of foot bridge
Photo Credit: Liam Simpson

What a kid I got -- I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.


Quote: Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. by author Criss Jami overlaid on photo of sunflower field during daytime
Photo Credit: meriç tuna

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.


Quote: Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment. by author Betty White overlaid on photo of green and white painted wall
Photo Credit: Jené Stephaniuk

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.


Quote: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. by author Robert Bloch overlaid on photo of sunset
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.


Quote: Never let an angry sister comb your hair. by author Patricia McCann overlaid on photo of photo of pine tree
Photo Credit: Kimon Maritz

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.


Quote: Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. by author Punit Ghadge overlaid on photo of silhouette photography of mountains
Photo Credit: Alessandro Sacchi

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.


Quote: Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. by author Will Ferrell overlaid on photo of yellow sunflower in close up photography
Photo Credit: Di Maitland

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.


Quote: An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. by author Agatha Christie overlaid on photo of photo of author Agatha Christie with quote

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.


Quote: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. by author Robin Williams overlaid on photo of palm tree under orange sky
Photo Credit: Rahabi Khan

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.


Quote: Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid. by author John Wayne overlaid on photo of gold and silver bullet on white surface
Photo Credit: Danilo Alvesd

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.


Quote: The best love affairs are those we never had. by author Norman Lindsay overlaid on photo of photo of author Norman Lindsay with quote

The best love affairs are those we never had.


Quote: Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. by author Augustine of Hippo overlaid on photo of photo of author Augustine of Hippo with quote

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.


Quote: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. by author Douglas Adams overlaid on photo of Douglas Adams quote; white text on black background

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.


Quote: Macho does not prove mucho. by author Zsa Zsa Gabor overlaid on photo of black bird on brown tree branch during daytime
Photo Credit: Eben Piater

Macho does not prove mucho.


Quote: The superfluous, a very necessary thing. by author Voltaire overlaid on photo of dog looking upward
Photo Credit: Rob Wingate

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.


Quote: I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. by author Woody Allen overlaid on photo of orange and white tabby cat on yellow background
Photo Credit: Kabo

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.


Quote: A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. by author Winston Churchill overlaid on photo of person standing on top of mountain
Photo Credit: Alessandro Erbetta

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.


Quote: I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. by author Winston Churchill overlaid on photo of black and white butterfly perched on green leaf
Photo Credit: Sumit Saharkar

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.


There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.


Quote: I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. by author W. C. Fields overlaid on photo of photo of author W. C. Fields with quote

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.


Quote: I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! by author Tom Lehrer overlaid on photo of man and woman sitting on hanging bridge at daytime
Photo Credit: Daniel J. Schwarz

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!


Quote: The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh. by author Tom Bodett overlaid on photo of blue sky with stars during night time
Photo Credit: George Foster

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.


Quote: The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one. by author Sid Caesar overlaid on photo of blue glass heart
Photo Credit: Tim Mossholder

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.


Quote: Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. by author Sam Ewing overlaid on photo of black and white bird on seashore
Photo Credit: Albert Amor

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.


Quote: What a nice night for an evening. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of time lapse photography of several burning US dollar banknotes
Photo Credit: Jp Valery

What a nice night for an evening.


Quote: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of brown tabby cat on white stairs
Photo Credit: Alexander London

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Quote: I'm addicted to placebos. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of closeup photo of green leafed plant
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

I'm addicted to placebos.


Quote: I intend to live forever. So far, so good. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of man holding 1 US dollar banknote
Photo Credit: lucas Favre

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


Quote: I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. by author Steve Martin overlaid on photo of full moon in the sky
Photo Credit: James Lee

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.


Quote: Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. by author Steve Martin overlaid on photo of white pampas grasses near body of water at daytime
Photo Credit: Timothy Meinberg

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.


Quote: A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. by author Steve Martin overlaid on photo of 100 us dollar bill
Photo Credit: Omid Armin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


Quote: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. by author Redd Foxx overlaid on photo of silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset
Photo Credit: shrpnss

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Quote: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? by author Robin Williams overlaid on photo of person hand holding photo frame
Photo Credit: pine watt

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?


I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.


Quote: When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. by author Rodney Dangerfield overlaid on photo of sunset
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.


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