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Classically funny quotes always bring a smile to one's day so we have assembled this list of the best classically funny tongue-in-cheek quotes to brighten your day. May they bring you some LOLs and maybe even a ROFL. (-: If you enjoy them, please share. Have a fabulously fun and funny day!

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

--Rita Rudner

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

--Fred Allen

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

--George Carlin

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

--Spanish Proverb

I think, therefore I’m single.

--Liz Winston

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

--Rita Rudner

A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.

--Unknown Author

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

--Dan Rather

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

--George Burns

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

--Franklin P. Jones

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

--Oliver Reed

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

--Alexander Woollcott

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

--Alanis Morissette

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

--Judith Viorst

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces.

--Judith Viorst

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

--Phyllis Diller

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

--Unknown Author

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

--Erma Bombeck

Divorces are made in heaven.

--Oscar Wilde

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of.

--Bruce Lanskiy

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

--Clarence Day

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

--Henry Cate VII

Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.

--Dolly Parton

Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty.

--Joan Rivers

Snack time heals all wounds.

--Bridger Winegar

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

--W. C. Fields

The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

--Ann Landers

When I jog I joggle.

--Ogden Nash

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

--Adrienne Gusoff

The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

--Grant Tucker

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

--Robert Frost

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.

--Kitty Collins

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.

--Robert Frost

Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

--Mark Twain

Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.

--Mae West

Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.

--Mae West

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

--Billy Connolly

You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either.

--Steve Martin

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

--Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

--George Carlin

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

--Dave Barry

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

--Buddy Hackett

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

--George Carlin

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

--George Carlin

I married beneath me. All women do.

--Nancy Astor

Love, honor, and negotiate.

--Alan Loy McGinnis

Love is just a chocolate substitute.

--Melanie Clark Pullen

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

--Rita Rudner

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

--Groucho Marx

In God we trust; all others pay cash.

--Jean Shepherd

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.

--Warren Buffett

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

--Mark Twain

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

--Phyllis Diller

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

--Oscar Wilde

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

--Mitch Hedberg

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

--Groucho Marx

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

--Si Robertson

Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.

--Bob Irwin

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

--Woody Allen

Sane is boring.

--R. A. Salvatore

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

--Steven Wright

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

--Stephen Colbert

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

--Woody Allen

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

--Will Rogers

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

--Charles de Gaulle

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

--Steven Wright

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

--Oscar Ameringer

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

--Robert Brault

A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.

--Elbert Hubbard

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

--Edgar Bergen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

--Woody Allen

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

--Will Rogers

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

--Steven Wright

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

--Steven Weinberg

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

--Reinhard Bonnke

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

--R.D. Laing

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

--Oliver Hardy

I am only human, although I regret it.

--Mark Twain

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

--Laurence J. Peter

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

--Karl Kraus

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

--Josh Billings

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

--Jackie Mason

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

--Jim Rohn

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

--Jim Harrison

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

--Groucho Marx

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

--George Carlin

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

--George Carlin

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

--François de La Rochefoucauld

I drink to make other people more interesting.

--Ernest Hemingway

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

--Edward Abbey

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

--E.B. White

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

--Doug Larson

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

--David Letterman

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

--Charlton Heston

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

--Caroline Rhea

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

--Benny Hill

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

--Andy Borowitz
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Thank you for checking out our selection of classic tongue-in-cheek funny quotes! Please consider sharing this wry humor and also connect with us on social media. Wishing you a laughter-filled day!