Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

I think, therefore I’m single.

Love, honor, and negotiate.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

Divorces are made in heaven.

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.

Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty.

Snack time heals all wounds.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

When I jog I joggle.

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.

Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.

Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

I married beneath me. All women do.

Love is just a chocolate substitute.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Reality: What a concept!

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

In God we trust; all others pay cash.

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Good people drink good beer.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Sane is boring.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

I am only human, although I regret it.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

I'd like to live like a poor man -- only with lots of money.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

What a kid I got -- I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

The best love affairs are those we never had.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Macho does not prove mucho.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

What a nice night for an evening.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I'm addicted to placebos.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.