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286 Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes

Classically funny quotes always bring a smile to one's day so we have assembled this list of the best classically funny tongue-in-cheek quotes to brighten your day. May they bring you some LOLs and maybe even a ROFL. (-: If you enjoy them, please share. Have a fabulously fun and funny day!

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

I think, therefore I’m single.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

Divorces are made in heaven.

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.

Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty.

Snack time heals all wounds.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

When I jog I joggle.

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.

Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.

Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

I married beneath me. All women do.

Love, honor, and negotiate.

Love is just a chocolate substitute.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Reality: What a concept!

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

In God we trust; all others pay cash.

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Good people drink good beer.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Sane is boring.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

I am only human, although I regret it.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

long-coated brown animal

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