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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

--Albert Einstein

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

--Abraham Lincoln

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

--A.A. Milne

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

--Nearly Headless Nick

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

--Unknown Author

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

--Miles Kington

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

--George Carlin

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

--Zach Galifianakis

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

--Zach Galifianakis

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

--Zach Galifianakis

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

--Will Ferrell

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.

--Will Ferrell

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

--Will Ferrell

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

--Steve Martin

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

--Robin Williams

It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

--Ricky Gervais

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

--Jim Carrey

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

--Jim Carrey

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

--Jerry Seinfeld

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

--Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

--Groucho Marx

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

--George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

--George Carlin

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

--Beth McCollister

I'd like to live like a poor man -- only with lots of money.

--Pablo Picasso

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

--Will Rogers

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

--Will Rogers

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

--Cathy Guisewite

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

--Mark Twain

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

--Bill Murray

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

--Lily Tomlin

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

--Dale Carnegie

Puns are the highest form of literature.

--Alfred Hitchcock

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

--Groucho Marx

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

--Dalai Lama

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

--Dorothy Parker

What a kid I got -- I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

--Criss Jami

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.

--Betty White

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

--Robert Bloch

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

--Patricia McCann

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

--Oscar Wilde

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

--Punit Ghadge

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

--Will Ferrell

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

--Agatha Christie

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

--Robin Williams

A true friend stabs you in the front.

--Oscar Wilde

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

--John Wayne

The best love affairs are those we never had.

--Norman Lindsay

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

--Saint Augustine

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

--Douglas Adams

Macho does not prove mucho.

--Zsa Zsa Gabor

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.


I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

--Woody Allen

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

--Winston Churchill

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

--Winston Churchill

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

--William Arthur Ward

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

--Will Rogers

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

--W.C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

--W.C. Fields

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

--Texas Guinan

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

--Thomas Szasz

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

--Terry Pratchett

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

--Tom Lehrer

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

--Tom Bodett

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

--Sid Caesar

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

--Solomon Schechter

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

--Sam Ewing

What a nice night for an evening.

--Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

--Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

--Steven Wright

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

--Steve Martin

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

--Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

--Steve Martin

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

--Rob Corddry

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

--Redd Foxx

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

--Robin Williams

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

--Robert Benchley

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

--Rita Mae Brown

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

--Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.

--Oscar Wilde

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

--Oscar Levant

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

--Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

--Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

--Phyllis Diller

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

--Natalie Wood

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

--Naguib Mahfouz

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

--Nicolas Chamfort

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

--Martha Scott

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

--Marcelene Cox

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

--Mike Myers

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

--Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

--Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

--Mitch Hedberg

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

--Milton Berle
long-coated brown animal

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