286 Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes (Page 2 of 2)

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Macho does not prove mucho.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

What a nice night for an evening.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I'm addicted to placebos.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

I can resist everything except temptation.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Good morning is a contradiction of terms.

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Never floss with a stranger.

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

All men are equal before fish.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Instant gratification takes too long.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The road to success is always under construction.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.