Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes
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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

I'd like to live like a poor man -- only with lots of money.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

What a kid I got -- I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

The best love affairs are those we never had.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Macho does not prove mucho.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

What a nice night for an evening.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I'm addicted to placebos.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

I can resist everything except temptation.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.