I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
I can resist everything except temptation.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Good morning is a contradiction of terms.
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Never floss with a stranger.
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
All men are equal before fish.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Instant gratification takes too long.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
The road to success is always under construction.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?