286 Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes (Page 2 of 2)

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There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

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I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

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Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

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There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

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Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

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I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

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The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

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The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

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Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

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I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

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What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

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The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

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Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Longer Version:
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. As in the words of Wayne Dyer, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Sometimes to know with certainty that a particular thing is "true", will actually be the very thing that keeps you from attaining the things you seek to achieve.

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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

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True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

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Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

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My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

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The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

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The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

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The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

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If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

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It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

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I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

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To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Longer Version:
Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.

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Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

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We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

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If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

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Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

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The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

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I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

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All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

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The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
