long-coated brown animalPhoto Credit: Dan Cook

Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes (Page 2 of 2)

Quote: I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. by author Robert Benchley overlaid on photo of short-beak red bird on tree
Photo Credit: Roberto Nickson

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.


Quote: Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. by author Rita Mae Brown overlaid on photo of selective photography of dried leaf
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.


Quote: This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. by author Oscar Wilde overlaid on photo of macro shot photography of two votive candles
Photo Credit: Joanna Kosinska

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.


Quote: I can resist everything except temptation. by author Oscar Wilde overlaid on photo of A man in a black suit loosening his tie
Photo Credit: Ben Rosett

I can resist everything except temptation.


Quote: What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. by author Oscar Levant overlaid on photo of black and white striped textile
Photo Credit: Mitchell Luo

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.


Quote: Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? by author Phyllis Diller overlaid on photo of brown tabby kitten lying on white textile
Photo Credit: Tuqa Nabi

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?


Quote: Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. by author Phyllis Diller overlaid on photo of Arizona landscape
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.


Quote: A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. by author Phyllis Diller overlaid on photo of 1 us dollar bill
Photo Credit: omer shahzad

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.


Quote: The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. by author Natalie Wood overlaid on photo of white and brown corgi besides brown dog
Photo Credit: Alvan Nee

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.


Quote: God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. by author Naguib Mahfouz overlaid on photo of photography of lake near tree
Photo Credit: Evi T.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.


Quote: The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. by author Nicolas Chamfort overlaid on photo of red rose in close up photography
Photo Credit: Michael C

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.


Quote: Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. by author Martha Scott overlaid on photo of leafless tree on snow covered ground
Photo Credit: Wolfgang Hasselmann

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.


Quote: If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. by author Marcelene Cox overlaid on photo of green forest during daytime
Photo Credit: Rural Explorer

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.


Quote: My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. by author Mike Myers overlaid on photo of computer screen showing code
Photo Credit: Gabriel Heinzer

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.


Quote: I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of green leaf in close up photography
Photo Credit: Waldemar Brandt

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.


Quote: I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of shallow focus photography of white flowers
Photo Credit: Anthony DELANOIX

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


Quote: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of eyeglasses in bokeh photography
Photo Credit: James Sutton

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


Quote: My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. by author Milton Berle overlaid on photo of purple and white clouds during night time
Photo Credit: Jack B

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.


Quote: A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. by author Milton Berle overlaid on photo of man and woman standing beside wall
Photo Credit: Filipp Romanovski

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.


Quote: If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? by author Milton Berle overlaid on photo of gray-scale photo of man and woman hugging
Photo Credit: Brittani Burns

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?


Quote: Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. by author Mark Twain overlaid on photo of close-up photograph of black dreadnought acoustic guitar
Photo Credit: Taya Iv

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.


Quote: Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. by author Mark Twain overlaid on photo of sunset
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.


Quote: Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. by author Margaret Mead overlaid on photo of white and brown sailing boat
Photo Credit: Roan Lavery

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.


Quote: Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. by author Kaiser Wilhelm overlaid on photo of blue sky with stars during night time
Photo Credit: Arthur Volkers

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.


Quote: True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. by author Kurt Vonnegut overlaid on photo of black and white papilio butterfly
Photo Credit: Boris Smokrovic

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.


Quote: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. by author Lana Turner overlaid on photo of person holding blue lighted string
Photo Credit: Emma Pasewald

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


Quote: Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life. by author Lord Byron overlaid on photo of landscape photography of mountain
Photo Credit: Caleb White

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.


Quote: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. by author Lily Tomlin overlaid on photo of brown, black, and white butterfly on purple petaled flower photo
Photo Credit: Dan Freeman

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.


Quote: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. by author Laurence J. Peter overlaid on photo of brown and black tiger near body of water
Photo Credit: Ratanjot Singh

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.


Quote: Good morning is a contradiction of terms. by author Jim Davis overlaid on photo of sunflowers
Photo Credit: Maria Oswalt

Good morning is a contradiction of terms.


Quote: Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. by author Jim Davis overlaid on photo of two women making peace sign near the Golden Gate bridge
Photo Credit: Ian Schneider

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.


Quote: My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. by author Jean Rostand overlaid on photo of pink and white tulips on white surface
Photo Credit: Larisa Birta

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.


Quote: Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? by author John Barrymore overlaid on photo of brown trees on brown field during daytime
Photo Credit: Omid Armin

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?


Quote: My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. by author Jack Benny overlaid on photo of brown and white abstract painting
Photo Credit: James Lee

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.


Quote: Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. by author Josh Billings overlaid on photo of people walking on hallway
Photo Credit: Donny Jiang

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.


Quote: Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. by author Joan Rivers overlaid on photo of woman wearing black bikini tap swimming on body of water between trees
Photo Credit: Maximilien T'Scharner

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.


Quote: My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. by author Joan Rivers overlaid on photo of woman in black and white floral dress sitting on red car hood during daytime
Photo Credit: Karsten Winegeart

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.


Quote: Never floss with a stranger. by author Joan Rivers overlaid on photo of donkey
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Never floss with a stranger.


Quote: The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. by author Jean de la Bruyere overlaid on photo of sunset with rainbow
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.


Quote: There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. by author Jerry Seinfeld overlaid on photo of black dog sitting on grass
Photo Credit: Ben Hanson

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.


Quote: The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. by author Jay Leno overlaid on photo of white wall paint with white wall paint
Photo Credit: Joshua Hoehne

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


Quote: Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. by author James Thurber overlaid on photo of person submerged on body of water holding sparkler
Photo Credit: Kristopher Roller

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.


Quote: I hate women because they always know where things are. by author James Thurber overlaid on photo of four men sitting beside table
Photo Credit: Ashkan Forouzani

I hate women because they always know where things are.


Quote: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. by author Harlan Ellison overlaid on photo of green leaf tree on shore
Photo Credit: Todd Quackenbush

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.


Quote: If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. by author Hillary Clinton overlaid on photo of photo of author Hillary Clinton with quote

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.


Quote: All men are equal before fish. by author Herbert Hoover overlaid on photo of brown trees under blue sky during daytime
Photo Credit: Jr. Farren

All men are equal before fish.


Quote: There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. by author Henry Kissinger overlaid on photo of cute dog on street night scene wallpaper
Photo Credit: Yura Ryzhov

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.


Quote: It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. by author Harry S. Truman overlaid on photo of black laptop computer turned on beside black ceramic mug
Photo Credit: Mohammad Rahmani

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.


Quote: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of laptop computer beside coffee mug
Photo Credit: Alex Knight

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.


Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of brown metal machine on gray concrete wall near sea during daytime
Photo Credit: Kvnga

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


Quote: I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of man and woman hugging each other
Photo Credit: frank mckenna

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.


Quote: The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. by author Gore Vidal overlaid on photo of photo of author Gore Vidal with quote

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.


Quote: I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. by author Gerald R. Ford overlaid on photo of brown tabby cat
Photo Credit: Tran Mau Tri Tam

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.


Quote: To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. by author George W. Bush overlaid on photo of photo of author George W. Bush with quote

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.


Quote: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. by author Unknown Author overlaid on photo of pink flowers with white background
Photo Credit: TOMOKO UJI

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.


Quote: Weather forecast for tonight: dark. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of cup of coffee
Photo Credit: Sincerely Media

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.


Quote: When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. by author George Burns overlaid on photo of silhouette of grass under moonlight
Photo Credit: Alexandra Vozvyshaeva

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.


Quote: Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. by author George Bernard Shaw overlaid on photo of three person looking stars and milky way
Photo Credit: Benjamin Davies

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.


Quote: If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. by author George Bernard Shaw overlaid on photo of close-up of lighted candle
Photo Credit: David Tomaseti

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.


Quote: The more I know about men the more I like dogs. by author Gloria Allred overlaid on photo of gray concrete road between trees
Photo Credit: Nick Fewings

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.


Quote: I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. by author Fred Allen overlaid on photo of white ceramic mug with coffee on brown wooden table
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


Quote: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. by author Erma Bombeck overlaid on photo of brown brick wall photography
Photo Credit: YUCAR FotoGrafik

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.


Quote: Never have more children than you have car windows. by author Erma Bombeck overlaid on photo of man holding 1 US dollar banknote
Photo Credit: lucas Favre

Never have more children than you have car windows.


How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.


Quote: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. by author Emo Philips overlaid on photo of white ceramic mug with coffee on brown wooden table
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


Quote: A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. by author Don Marquis overlaid on photo of cloudy sky
Photo Credit: Anandu Vinod

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.


Quote: The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. by author Demetri Martin overlaid on photo of white analog wall clock at 11 00
Photo Credit: Akram Huseyn

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.


Quote: I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. by author David Lee Roth overlaid on photo of photo of author David Lee Roth with quote

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.


Quote: Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. by author Dave Barry overlaid on photo of photo of author Dave Barry with quote

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Quote: I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. by author Chris Rock overlaid on photo of blooming yellow sunflower field
Photo Credit: Timothy Eberly

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.


Quote: I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. by author Charles M. Schulz overlaid on photo of photo of author Charles M. Schulz with quote

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.


Quote: I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. by author Charles Lamb overlaid on photo of photo of author Charles Lamb with quote

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.


Quote: All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. by author Casey Stengel overlaid on photo of photo of author Casey Stengel with quote

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.


Quote: Instant gratification takes too long. by author Carrie Fisher overlaid on photo of person doing yoga exercises
Photo Credit: Patrick Hendry

Instant gratification takes too long.


Quote: Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. by author Bob Hope overlaid on photo of photo of author Bob Hope with quote

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.


Quote: The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. by author Bill Watterson overlaid on photo of purple and white petaled flower
Photo Credit: Jari Hytönen

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.


Quote: Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. by author Bill Maher overlaid on photo of focus photography of chick on gray ground
Photo Credit: Ray Hennessy

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.


Quote: Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. by author Bill Maher overlaid on photo of green trees under white sky during daytime
Photo Credit: Fabio Fistarol

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.


Quote: I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. by author Benjamin Franklin overlaid on photo of toddlers standing outdoors
Photo Credit: Jude Beck

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.


Quote: All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. by author Alexander Woollcott overlaid on photo of photo of author Alexander Woollcott with quote

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.


Quote: The road to success is always under construction. by author Arnold Palmer overlaid on photo of rainbow
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

The road to success is always under construction.


Quote: Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. by author Anton Chekhov overlaid on photo of photo of author Anton Chekhov with quote

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.


Quote: The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. by author Albert Einstein overlaid on photo of brown chopped logs
Photo Credit: Maciej Rusek

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.


Quote: If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? by author Abraham Lincoln overlaid on photo of unknown persons standing outdoors
Photo Credit: Dim Hou

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?


Quote: Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. by author Anthony Burgess overlaid on photo of photo of author Anthony Burgess with quote

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.


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