long-coated brown animalPhoto Credit: Dan Cook
quote by Milton Berle: A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. with background image: photo of author Milton Berle with quote

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

--Milton Berle
quote by Milton Berle: If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? with background image: photo of author Milton Berle with quote

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

--Milton Berle
quote by Mark Twain: Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. with background image: photo of author Mark Twain with quote

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

--Mark Twain
quote by Mark Twain: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. with background image: photo of author Mark Twain with quote

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

--Mark Twain

Longer Version:

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. As in the words of Wayne Dyer, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Sometimes to know with certainty that a particular thing is "true", will actually be the very thing that keeps you from attaining the things you seek to achieve.


quote by Mark Twain: Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. with background image: photo of author Mark Twain with quote

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

--Mark Twain
quote by Margaret Mead: Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. with background image: photo of author Margaret Mead with quote

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

--Margaret Mead
quote by Kaiser Wilhelm: Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. with background image: blue sky with stars during night time
Background Photo: Arthur Volkers

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

--Kaiser Wilhelm
quote by Kurt Vonnegut: True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. with background image: photo of author Kurt Vonnegut with quote

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

--Kurt Vonnegut
quote by Katharine Hepburn: Life is hard. After all, it kills you. with background image: photo of author Katharine Hepburn with quote

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

--Katharine Hepburn
quote by Lana Turner: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. with background image: photo of author Lana Turner with quote

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

--Lana Turner
quote by Lord Byron: Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life. with background image: photo of author Lord Byron with quote

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.

--Lord Byron
quote by Lily Tomlin: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. with background image: photo of author Lily Tomlin with quote

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

--Lily Tomlin
quote by Laurence J. Peter: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. with background image: brown and black tiger near body of water
Background Photo: Ratanjot Singh

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

--Laurence J. Peter
quote by Jim Davis: Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. with background image: photo of author Jim Davis with quote

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

--Jim Davis
quote by Jim Davis: Good morning is a contradiction of terms. with background image: photo of author Jim Davis with quote

Good morning is a contradiction of terms.

--Jim Davis
quote by Jim Davis: Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. with background image: photo of author Jim Davis with quote

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

--Jim Davis
quote by Jean Rostand: My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. with background image: pink and white tulips on white surface
Background Photo: Larisa Birta

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

--Jean Rostand
quote by John Barrymore: Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? with background image: photo of author John Barrymore with quote

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

--John Barrymore
quote by Jack Benny: My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. with background image: photo of author Jack Benny with quote

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

--Jack Benny
quote by Josh Billings: Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. with background image: photo of author Josh Billings with quote

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

--Josh Billings
quote by Joan Rivers: Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. with background image: photo of author Joan Rivers with quote

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

--Joan Rivers
quote by Joan Rivers: My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. with background image: photo of author Joan Rivers with quote

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

--Joan Rivers
quote by Joan Rivers: Never floss with a stranger. with background image: donkey
Background Photo: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Never floss with a stranger.

--Joan Rivers
quote by Jean de la Bruyere: The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. with background image: sunset with rainbow
Background Photo: DiscoverQuotes Staff

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

--Jean de la Bruyere
quote by Jerry Seinfeld: There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. with background image: photo of author Jerry Seinfeld with quote

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

--Jerry Seinfeld
quote by Jay Leno: The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. with background image: photo of author Jay Leno with quote

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

--Jay Leno
quote by James Thurber: Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. with background image: photo of author James Thurber with quote

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

--James Thurber
quote by Isaac Asimov: People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. with background image: photo of author Isaac Asimov with quote

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

--Isaac Asimov
quote by James Thurber: I hate women because they always know where things are. with background image: photo of author James Thurber with quote

I hate women because they always know where things are.

--James Thurber
quote by Harlan Ellison: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. with background image: photo of author Harlan Ellison with quote

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

--Harlan Ellison
quote by Hillary Clinton: If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. with background image: photo of author Hillary Clinton with quote

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

--Hillary Clinton
quote by Herbert Hoover: All men are equal before fish. with background image: photo of author Herbert Hoover with quote

All men are equal before fish.

--Herbert Hoover
quote by Henry Kissinger: There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. with background image: photo of author Henry Kissinger with quote

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

--Henry Kissinger
quote by Harry S. Truman: It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. with background image: photo of author Harry S. Truman with quote

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

--Harry S. Truman
quote by H. L. Mencken: Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. with background image: silhouette of man and woman playing guitars
Background Photo: Mike Giles

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

--H.L. Mencken
quote by Groucho Marx: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. with background image: photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

--Groucho Marx
quote by Groucho Marx: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. with background image: photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

--Groucho Marx
quote by Groucho Marx: I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. with background image: photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

--Groucho Marx
quote by Groucho Marx: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. with background image: photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

--Groucho Marx
quote by Gore Vidal: The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. with background image: photo of author Gore Vidal with quote

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

--Gore Vidal
quote by Gerald R. Ford: I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. with background image: photo of author Gerald R. Ford with quote

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

--Gerald R. Ford
quote by George W. Bush: To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. with background image: photo of author George W. Bush with quote

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

--George W. Bush
quote by George Carlin: Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. with background image: three person looking stars and milky way
Background Photo: Benjamin Davies

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin
quote by Unknown Author: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. with background image: pink flowers with white background
Background Photo: TOMOKO UJI

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

--Unknown Author

Longer Version:

Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.


quote by George Carlin: Weather forecast for tonight: dark. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

--George Carlin
quote by George Burns: When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. with background image: silhouette of grass under moonlight
Background Photo: Alexandra Vozvyshaeva

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

--George Burns
quote by George Burns: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city. with background image: white analog wall clock at 11 00
Background Photo: Akram Huseyn

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.

--George Burns
quote by George Bernard Shaw: Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. with background image: photo of author George Bernard Shaw with quote

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

--George Bernard Shaw
quote by George Bernard Shaw: We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. with background image: photo of author George Bernard Shaw with quote

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

--George Bernard Shaw
quote by George Bernard Shaw: If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. with background image: photo of author George Bernard Shaw with quote

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

--George Bernard Shaw
quote by Gloria Allred: The more I know about men the more I like dogs. with background image: photo of author Gloria Allred with quote

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.

--Gloria Allred
quote by Fred Allen: I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. with background image: photo of author Fred Allen with quote

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

--Fred Allen
quote by Francois de La Rochefoucauld: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. with background image: photo of author François de La Rochefoucauld (writer) with quote

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

--Francois de La Rochefoucauld
quote by Erma Bombeck: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. with background image: photo of author Erma Bombeck with quote

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

--Erma Bombeck
quote by Erma Bombeck: Never have more children than you have car windows. with background image: photo of author Erma Bombeck with quote

Never have more children than you have car windows.

--Erma Bombeck

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

--Emo Philips
quote by Emo Philips: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. with background image: white ceramic mug with coffee on brown wooden table
Background Photo: Annie Spratt

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

--Emo Philips
quote by Elbert Hubbard: Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. with background image: photo of author Elbert Hubbard with quote

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

--Elbert Hubbard
quote by Dick Cavett: As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. with background image: tilt shift lens pink fetal flowers
Background Photo: Daiga Ellaby

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

--Dick Cavett
quote by Don Marquis: A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. with background image: photo of author Don Marquis with quote

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

--Don Marquis
quote by Demetri Martin: The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. with background image: white analog wall clock at 11 00
Background Photo: Akram Huseyn

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

--Demetri Martin
quote by David Lee Roth: I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. with background image: photo of author David Lee Roth with quote

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

--David Lee Roth
quote by Dave Barry: Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. with background image: photo of author Dave Barry with quote

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

--Dave Barry
quote by Chris Rock: I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. with background image: photo of author Chris Rock with quote

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

--Chris Rock
quote by Charles M. Schulz: I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. with background image: photo of author Charles M. Schulz with quote

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

--Charles M. Schulz
quote by Charles Lamb: I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. with background image: photo of author Charles Lamb with quote

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

--Charles Lamb
quote by Charles de Gaulle: Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word. with background image: photo of author Charles de Gaulle with quote

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

--Charles de Gaulle
quote by Casey Stengel: All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. with background image: photo of author Casey Stengel with quote

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

--Casey Stengel
quote by Carrie Fisher: Instant gratification takes too long. with background image: person doing yoga exercises
Background Photo: Patrick Hendry

Instant gratification takes too long.

--Carrie Fisher
quote by Bob Hope: Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. with background image: photo of author Bob Hope with quote

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

--Bob Hope
quote by Bill Watterson: The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. with background image: purple and white petaled flower
Background Photo: Jari Hytönen

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

--Bill Watterson
quote by Bill Maher: Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. with background image: focus photography of chick on gray ground
Background Photo: Ray Hennessy

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

--Bill Maher
quote by Bill Maher: Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. with background image: green trees under white sky during daytime
Background Photo: Fabio Fistarol

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

--Bill Maher
quote by Bertrand Russell: Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. with background image: photo of author Bertrand Russell with quote

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

--Bertrand Russell
quote by Bertrand Russell: The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. with background image: sunset
Background Photo: DiscoverQuotes Staff

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

--Bertrand Russell
quote by Benjamin Franklin: I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. with background image: photo of author Benjamin Franklin with quote

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

--Benjamin Franklin
quote by Al McGuire: The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. with background image: green and white abstract painting
Background Photo: Gayatri Malhotra

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

--Al McGuire
quote by Alexander Woollcott: All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. with background image: photo of author Alexander Woollcott with quote

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

--Alexander Woollcott
quote by Alan Dundes: Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. with background image: pink rose in close up photography
Background Photo: Alice Mourou

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

--Alan Dundes
quote by Arnold Palmer: The road to success is always under construction. with background image: photo of author Arnold Palmer with quote

The road to success is always under construction.

--Arnold Palmer
quote by Anton Chekhov: Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. with background image: photo of author Anton Chekhov with quote

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

--Anton Chekhov
quote by Andy Rooney: The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. with background image: fawn pug on bed
Background Photo: Mink Mingle

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

--Andy Rooney
quote by Albert Einstein: The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. with background image: photo of author Albert Einstein with quote

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

--Albert Einstein
quote by Abraham Lincoln: If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? with background image: photo of author Abraham Lincoln with quote

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

--Abraham Lincoln
quote by Anthony Burgess: Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. with background image: photo of author Anthony Burgess with quote

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

--Anthony Burgess
long-coated brown animal

Thank you for checking out our selection of classic tongue-in-cheek funny quotes! Please consider sharing this wry humor and also connect with us on social media. Wishing you a laughter-filled day!