A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Longer Version:
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. As in the words of Wayne Dyer, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Sometimes to know with certainty that a particular thing is "true", will actually be the very thing that keeps you from attaining the things you seek to achieve.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Good morning is a contradiction of terms.
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
All men are equal before fish.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Longer Version:
Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The road to success is always under construction.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
