It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways -- I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

To me, funerals are like bad movies. They last too long, they're overacted, and the ending is predictable.