And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

I was introduced to a beautiful young lady as a man in his nineties. Early nineties, I insisted.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.