Title Image - Quotes by Author George CarlinPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by George Carlin. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.

Wikipedia Summary for George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time, he was dubbed "the dean of counterculture comedians". He was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and taboo subjects. His "seven dirty words" routine was central to the 1978 United States Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to censor indecent material on the public airwaves.

The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, his routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on American political issues and satirized American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final comedy special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed less than four months before his death from cardiac failure. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2004, he placed second on Comedy Central's list of top 10 American comedians. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second (behind Richard Pryor) on its list of the 50 best stand-up comedians of all time.

His film roles included a taxi driver in Car Wash, Frank Madras in Outrageous Fortune, Rufus in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Eddie Detreville in The Prince of Tides, Cardinal Ignatius Glick in Dogma, Architect in Scary Movie 3, and Bart Trinké in Jersey Girl. He did voice-over roles as Zugor in Tarzan II, Filmore in Cars, and narrated the first four seasons in the American dub of the British children's television show Thomas & Friends.

What does a dog do on his day off? He can't lie around that's his job.

--George Carlin

No comment is a comment.

--George Carlin

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

--George Carlin

An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience.

--George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.

--George Carlin

Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

--George Carlin

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

--George Carlin

I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it.

--George Carlin

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

--George Carlin

Don't just teach your kids to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

--George Carlin

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

--George Carlin

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.

--George Carlin

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

--George Carlin

We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.'

--George Carlin

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

--George Carlin

We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

--George Carlin

Don't just teach your children to read.
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach then to question everything.

--George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

--George Carlin

Think off-center.

--George Carlin

If you don't vote, you lose the right to complain.

--George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

--George Carlin

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

--George Carlin

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board.' Well, what the hell is 'pre board?' What does that mean? To get on before you get on?

--George Carlin

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

--George Carlin

Whoever coined the term Buyer Beware was probably bleeding from the asshole.

--George Carlin

I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.

--George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

--George Carlin

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

--George Carlin

I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

--George Carlin

Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.

--George Carlin

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

--George Carlin

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

--George Carlin

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

--George Carlin

Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.

--George Carlin

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.

--George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.

--George Carlin

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

--George Carlin

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

--George Carlin

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.


Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, Well, okay, that's enough of that.

--George Carlin

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

--George Carlin

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

--George Carlin

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.

--George Carlin

The coke made me incredibly horny.

--George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

--George Carlin

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

--George Carlin

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.

--George Carlin

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

--George Carlin

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

--George Carlin

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

--George Carlin

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

--George Carlin

I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.

--George Carlin

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

--George Carlin

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

--George Carlin

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

--George Carlin

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

--George Carlin

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

--George Carlin

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

--George Carlin

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

--George Carlin

Is there another word for synonym?

--George Carlin

There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.

--George Carlin

Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.

--George Carlin

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

--George Carlin

Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and twenties who had similar anti-authority problems and similar dreams and wishes, hopes for mankind. So I gravitated toward them.

--George Carlin

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.

--George Carlin

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

--George Carlin

Fuck rational thought.

--George Carlin

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

--George Carlin

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

--George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

--George Carlin

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

--George Carlin

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

--George Carlin

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts -- it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form -- it's certainly artistry.

--George Carlin

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

--George Carlin

I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.

--George Carlin

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

--George Carlin

I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.

--George Carlin

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.

--George Carlin

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

--George Carlin

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands -- Nike, Puma, Coke -- all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand.


The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

--George Carlin

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

--George Carlin

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

--George Carlin

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

--George Carlin

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

--George Carlin

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

--George Carlin

For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.

--George Carlin

The angles of my body show you an awful lot. I started doing coke to feel open, but by that time, the hole had opened so wide that I'd fallen through. The body language in those photos tells you everything.

--George Carlin

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

--George Carlin

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

--George Carlin

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