photo of George CarlinPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Quotes by George Carlin

Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by George Carlin. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.

Wikipedia Summary for George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time, he was dubbed "the dean of counterculture comedians". He was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and taboo subjects. His "seven dirty words" routine was central to the 1978 United States Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to censor indecent material on the public airwaves.

The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, his routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on American political issues and satirized American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final comedy special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed less than four months before his death from cardiac failure. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2004, he placed second on Comedy Central's list of top 10 American comedians. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second (behind Richard Pryor) on its list of the 50 best stand-up comedians of all time.

His film roles included a taxi driver in Car Wash, Frank Madras in Outrageous Fortune, Rufus in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Eddie Detreville in The Prince of Tides, Cardinal Ignatius Glick in Dogma, Architect in Scary Movie 3, and Bart Trinké in Jersey Girl. He did voice-over roles as Zugor in Tarzan II, Filmore in Cars, and narrated the first four seasons in the American dub of the British children's television show Thomas & Friends.

Quote: Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of three person looking stars and milky way
Photo Credit: Benjamin Davies

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


Quote: Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of red rose illustration
Photo Credit: Kyaw Tun

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.


Quote: Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of person holding heart shaped red balloon
Photo Credit: Ryan 'O' Niel

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


Quote: Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of grassland landscape
Photo Credit: DiscoverQuotes Staff

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.


Quote: Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of watch on wrist wallpaper
Photo Credit: Ness P. Colmart

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.


Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?




Quote: As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of watch on wrist wallpaper
Photo Credit: Ness P. Colmart

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.


Quote: I'm in shape. Round is a shape. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of fawn pug eating food

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.


Quote: Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of heart-shaped red and beige pendant
Photo Credit: Debby Hudson

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.


Quote: Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of yellow butterfly on pink flowers
Photo Credit: Dulcey Lima

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


Quote: I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so heroic. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of selective photography of green leaf plant
Photo Credit: Matthew Smith

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so heroic.


Quote: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. by author Unknown Author overlaid on photo of pink flowers with white background
Photo Credit: TOMOKO UJI

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.


Quote: What does a dog do on his day off? He can't lie around  that's his job. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

What does a dog do on his day off? He can't lie around that's his job.


Quote: No comment is a comment. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

No comment is a comment.


Quote: I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.


Quote: An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience.


Quote: I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.


Quote: Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.


Quote: If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?


Quote: I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it.


Quote: If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?


Quote: Don't just teach your kids to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don't just teach your kids to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.


Quote: Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.


Quote: A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.


Quote: The planet isn't going anywhere. We are. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.


Quote: We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.' by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.'


Quote: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.


Quote: We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.


Quote: Don't just teach your children to read. 
Teach them to question what they read. 
Teach then to question everything. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don't just teach your children to read.
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach then to question everything.


Quote: A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.


Quote: Think off-center. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Think off-center.


Quote: If you don't vote, you lose the right to complain. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you don't vote, you lose the right to complain.


Quote: I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.


Quote: Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board.' Well, what the hell is 'pre board?' What does that mean? To get on before you get on? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board.' Well, what the hell is 'pre board?' What does that mean? To get on before you get on?




Quote: A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.




Quote: Whoever coined the term Buyer Beware was probably bleeding from the asshole. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Whoever coined the term Buyer Beware was probably bleeding from the asshole.




Quote: I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.




Quote: I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.


Quote: Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.


Quote: I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.


Quote: Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.


Quote: If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


Quote: The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.


Quote: The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.


Quote: Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.


Quote: I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.


Quote: I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.


Quote: People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.


Quote: The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.


Quote: Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.


Quote: Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, Well, okay, that's enough of that. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, Well, okay, that's enough of that.




Quote: If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.


Quote: The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.


Quote: If voting changed anything, it would be illegal. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.


Quote: The coke made me incredibly horny. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The coke made me incredibly horny.




Quote: In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.


Quote: If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?


Quote: They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!


Quote: We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.


Quote: The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.




Quote: I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.


Quote: Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Quote: We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.


Quote: I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!


Quote: How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?


Quote: So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.


Quote: I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.


Quote: Tits always look better in a pink sweater. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.


Quote: Is there another word for synonym? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Is there another word for synonym?


Quote: There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.- black text on quotes background

There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.


Quote: Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.


Quote: And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.


Quote: Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and twenties who had similar anti-authority problems and similar dreams and wishes, hopes for mankind. So I gravitated toward them. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and twenties who had similar anti-authority problems and similar dreams and wishes, hopes for mankind. So I gravitated toward them.


Quote: I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.


Quote: Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.


Quote: Fuck rational thought. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Fuck rational thought.


Quote: Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.




Quote: I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.


Quote: If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.


Quote: I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.




Quote: Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.


Quote: Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts -- it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form -- it's certainly artistry. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts -- it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form -- it's certainly artistry.


Quote: I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.


Quote: I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.


Quote: Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.


Quote: I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote; white text on black background

I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.


Quote: Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.


Quote: Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.


Quote: Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands -- Nike, Puma, Coke -- all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand.


Quote: The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.


Quote: I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.


Quote: Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.


Quote: Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


Quote: You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.


Quote: Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.


Quote: For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.


Quote: The angles of my body show you an awful lot. I started doing coke to feel open, but by that time, the hole had opened so wide that I'd fallen through. The body language in those photos tells you everything. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The angles of my body show you an awful lot. I started doing coke to feel open, but by that time, the hole had opened so wide that I'd fallen through. The body language in those photos tells you everything.


Quote: The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.


Quote: A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.


Quote: If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Longer Version/[Notes]:

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


Quote: Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.


Quote: Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.


Quote: I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.


Quote: I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.


Quote: My mother didn't get home until about seven most nights and, yes, there was a sense of being very alone after school. She gave me all the proper guidance and influences, but physically, she just couldn't be there. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

My mother didn't get home until about seven most nights and, yes, there was a sense of being very alone after school. She gave me all the proper guidance and influences, but physically, she just couldn't be there.


Quote: I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.


Quote: Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.


Quote: My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.


Quote: Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?


Quote: Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves.


Quote: Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.- black text on quotes background

Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.


Quote: I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.


Quote: Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.


Quote: What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?




Quote: I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.


Quote: I believe you can joke about anything. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I believe you can joke about anything.


Quote: I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.


Quote: In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.


Quote: Cancer research is a growth industry. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Cancer research is a growth industry.


Quote: We are all precancerous. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

We are all precancerous.


Quote: It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.


Quote: Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.




Quote: Don't just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don't just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.


Quote: Cocaine was different. It kept saying, You haven't had enough. I became an abuser almost instantly. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Cocaine was different. It kept saying, You haven't had enough. I became an abuser almost instantly.


Quote: One of the effects it cocaine had on my personality -- my moods, my behaviors -- was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

One of the effects it cocaine had on my personality -- my moods, my behaviors -- was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.


Quote: Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.


Quote: Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.


Quote: What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around -- that's their job! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around -- that's their job!


Quote: Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.


Quote: Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?- black text on quotes background

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?




Quote: People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.


Quote: Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.


Quote: Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.


Quote: Because Brenda Carlin had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Because Brenda Carlin had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail.




Quote: If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?


Quote: It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.


Quote: Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.


Quote: It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.


Quote: A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote; white text on black background

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.


Quote: There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.


Quote: When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning.


Quote: The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.


Quote: Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.


Quote: The older you get, the better you realize you were. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The older you get, the better you realize you were.


Quote: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


Quote: I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.


Quote: Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.


Quote: Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.). by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.).


Quote: I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.


Quote: I've just completed a five-year period that can perhaps best be called a breathing spell. A time of getting my health back and gathering my strength. That time also included incredible cocaine abuse, a heart attack and my wife's recovery from both alcoholism and cocaine abuse. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote; white text on black background

I've just completed a five-year period that can perhaps best be called a breathing spell. A time of getting my health back and gathering my strength. That time also included incredible cocaine abuse, a heart attack and my wife's recovery from both alcoholism and cocaine abuse.


Quote: A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?


Quote: I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.


Quote: These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.


Quote: Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.


Quote: If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?


Quote: They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.


Quote: What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.


Quote: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.


Quote: Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.


Quote: I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.


Quote: I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me.






Quote: I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.


Quote: That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.


Quote: The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.


Quote: Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!' by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'


Quote: President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.


Quote: Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.


Quote: If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?


Quote: It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.


Quote: I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.


Quote: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?


Quote: Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.


Quote: People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?


Quote: Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.


Quote: If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?




Quote: Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.


Quote: Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.


Quote: Pardon me I've got nothing to say. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.


Quote: Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?


Quote: I did LSD and peyote in the late Sixties, before I got into cocaine. That was concurrent with my change from a straight comic to the album and counterculture period, and those drugs served their purpose. They helped open me up. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I did LSD and peyote in the late Sixties, before I got into cocaine. That was concurrent with my change from a straight comic to the album and counterculture period, and those drugs served their purpose. They helped open me up.


Quote: You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. Acid and peyote were that way for me. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. Acid and peyote were that way for me.


Quote: Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh.. apologize.. let go of what you can't change. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh.. apologize.. let go of what you can't change.


Quote: One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.


Quote: Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.


Quote: Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.


Quote: If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.


Quote: Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!


Quote: It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?


Quote: Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.


Quote: If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?


Quote: I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.


Quote: When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world -- and maybe yourself -- that you're really smart after all. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world -- and maybe yourself -- that you're really smart after all.


Quote: Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.- black text on quotes background

Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.


Quote: When will all the rhetorical questions end? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When will all the rhetorical questions end?


Quote: I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'


Quote: Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?


Quote: If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?


Quote: How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?

Longer Version/[Notes]:

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.


Quote: Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.


Quote: If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.


Quote: Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'


Quote: Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


Quote: Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?


Quote: It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.- black text on quotes background

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.


Quote: Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?


Quote: Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.


Quote: If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.


Quote: I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote