photo of George CarlinPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Quotes by George Carlin (Page 2 of 3)

Quote: Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.


Quote: Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.


Quote: If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.


Quote: Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!


Quote: It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?


Quote: Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.


Quote: If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?


Quote: I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.


Quote: When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world -- and maybe yourself -- that you're really smart after all. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world -- and maybe yourself -- that you're really smart after all.


Quote: Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.- black text on quotes background

Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.


Quote: When will all the rhetorical questions end? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When will all the rhetorical questions end?


Quote: I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'


Quote: Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?


Quote: If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?


Quote: How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?

Longer Version/[Notes]:

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.


Quote: Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.


Quote: If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.


Quote: Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.' by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'


Quote: Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


Quote: Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?


Quote: It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.- black text on quotes background

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.


Quote: Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?


Quote: Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.


Quote: If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.


Quote: I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.


Quote: The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it.


Quote: They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.


Quote: Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


Quote: Surround yourself with what you love. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Surround yourself with what you love.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.


Quote: Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


Quote: Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?


Quote: I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.




Quote: In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.


Quote: First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -- the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -- the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.


Quote: You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.


Quote: If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. -- The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. -- Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. -- The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. -- Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.


Quote: The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote; white text on black background

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!


Quote: Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.




Quote: The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.


Quote: My father and mother separated when I was two months old. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

My father and mother separated when I was two months old.




Quote: As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.


Quote: I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.


Quote: Does killing time damage eternity? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Does killing time damage eternity?


Quote: I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.


Quote: The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


Quote: I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.




Quote: To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.- black text on quotes background

To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.


Quote: I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.




Quote: Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.


Quote: At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure.


Quote: The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.


Quote: As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.


Quote: When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.


Quote: Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?


Quote: Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.


Quote: Grass marijuana probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: Grass marijuana probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.- black text on quotes background

Grass marijuana probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.


Quote: Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.- black text on quotes background

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.


Quote: Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.


Quote: No one is ever more him herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

No one is ever more him herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.


Quote: Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.


Quote: Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person -- in my case the deliverer of material -- is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child -- which you're not supposed to do. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote; white text on black background

Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person -- in my case the deliverer of material -- is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child -- which you're not supposed to do.


Quote: The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.


Quote: It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.


Quote: Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.


Quote: War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.


Quote: If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.


Quote: You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.


Quote: Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists.


Quote: God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.




Quote: Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote; white text on black background

Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.


Quote: The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.


Quote: Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.


Quote: Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.


Quote: Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.


Quote: When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.


Quote: A pear is a failed apple. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

A pear is a failed apple.




Quote: I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.




Quote: If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?


Quote: Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.


Quote: My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.


Quote: My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.


Quote: When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?


Quote: So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.


Quote: I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.


Quote: I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were latch-door kids. We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were latch-door kids. We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves.


Quote: When I first heard the song Don't worry -- be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When I first heard the song Don't worry -- be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.


Quote: The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things -- bad language and whatever -- it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things -- bad language and whatever -- it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.




Quote: With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.


Quote: Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of

government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of

government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.


Quote: Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.


Quote: If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.


Quote: There are only two places in the world: over here and over there. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.


Quote: When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?




Quote: No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.


Quote: If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.




Quote: Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?


Quote: When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.


Quote: One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.


Quote: I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.


Quote: Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.


Quote: When people say clean as a whistle, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When people say clean as a whistle, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.


Quote: I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records.


Quote: In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.


Quote: I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.


Quote: I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.


Quote: The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.


Quote: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?


Quote: I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.


Quote: The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls.


Quote: Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?




Quote: When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.


Quote: Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.


Quote: The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.


Quote: All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.


Quote: I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.


Quote: I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has -- to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote; white text on black background

I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has -- to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.






Quote: Jesus was a cross-dresser. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Jesus was a cross-dresser.


Quote: Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!


Quote: Sports fans eat shit. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Sports fans eat shit.


Quote: I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.- black text on quotes background

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.


Quote: I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.


Quote: We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.


Quote: Things you never hear: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.' by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Things you never hear: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.'


Quote: If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.


Quote: I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.


Quote: I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.


Quote: I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.


Quote: My mother would say, Why are you always playing alone? And I would say, I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

My mother would say, Why are you always playing alone? And I would say, I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!


Quote: Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.


Quote: I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.


Quote: There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.


Quote: To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.


Quote: Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.


Quote: What wine goes with Captain Crunch? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?


Quote: You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!


Quote: Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.


Quote: Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.


Quote: Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.


Quote: Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.




Quote: I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.


Quote: When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.


Quote: Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.


Quote: If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.


Quote: Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?


Quote: I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.


Quote: Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.


Quote: Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.


Quote: Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.


Quote: Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.


Quote: When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.




Quote: McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.


Quote: There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.


Quote: As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.


Quote: Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.


Quote: So far, this is the oldest I've been. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

So far, this is the oldest I've been.


Quote: The future will soon be a thing of the past. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The future will soon be a thing of the past.


Quote: One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.


Quote: If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?


Quote: Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.


Quote: I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.


Quote: Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.


Quote: No comment is a comment. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

No comment is a comment.


Quote: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.


Quote: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


Quote: Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.


Quote: I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.- black text on quotes background

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.




Quote: Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.


Quote: Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.


Quote: Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.


Quote: Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.




Quote: Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.


Quote: If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.


Quote: The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife -- because the music hadn't been beautiful enough. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife -- because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.


Quote: Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.


Quote: I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.


Quote: What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.


Quote: A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.


Quote: I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.


Quote: Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.


Quote: You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of George Carlin quote: You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.- black text on quotes background

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.


Quote: Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.


Quote: If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! by author George Carlin overlaid on photo of photo of author George Carlin with quote

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!


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