Quotes by George Carlin (Page 3 of 3)

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

He -- and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. There weren't any serious violations, said the officers, she just rubbed us the wrong way.

On school uniforms Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

You know what these God Bless America people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they're so crazy about. They're always talking about What would Jesus do? They don't wanna know so they can do it -- they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Always do whatever's next.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.