Quotes by George Carlin (Page 3 of 4)

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.

I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were latch-door kids. We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves.

When I first heard the song Don't worry -- be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things -- bad language and whatever -- it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of

government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.

Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

When people say clean as a whistle, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records.

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can't interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It's frustrating and it's time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.

All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has -- to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Sports fans eat shit.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

Things you never hear: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.'

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

My mother would say, Why are you always playing alone? And I would say, I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.

Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

No comment is a comment.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife -- because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

He -- and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. There weren't any serious violations, said the officers, she just rubbed us the wrong way.

On school uniforms Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!