photo of George CarlinPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons
quote by George Carlin: Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.


quote by George Carlin: If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: He -- and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

He -- and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. There weren't any serious violations, said the officers, she just rubbed us the wrong way. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. There weren't any serious violations, said the officers, she just rubbed us the wrong way.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

--George Carlin

quote by George Carlin: Some people see things that are and ask, Why? 
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? 
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?


quote by George Carlin: If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And pro… with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: How is it possible to have a civil war? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

How is it possible to have a civil war?

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

--George Carlin


quote by George Carlin: Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, 
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. 
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, 
And hides the pines with billboard sig… with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I'm in shape. Round is a shape. with background image: fawn pug eating food

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: We're all fucked. It helps to remember that. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Try explaining Hitler to a kid. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so heroic. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so heroic.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Everyone smiles in the same language. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Everyone smiles in the same language.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The planet is fine. The people are fucked. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. with background image: three person looking stars and milky way
Background Photo: Benjamin Davies

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Always do whatever's next. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Always do whatever's next.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Atheism is a non-prophet organization. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the jo… with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Electricity is really just organized lightning. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

--George Carlin
quote by George Carlin: I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. with background image: photo of author George Carlin with quote

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

--George Carlin
quote by Unknown Author: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. with background image: pink flowers with white background
Background Photo: TOMOKO UJI

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

--Unknown Author

Longer Version:

Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.


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