Inspiring Quotes by George Carlin
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.