photo of George CarlinPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons
photo of author George Carlin with quote

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

--George Carlin
pink flowers with white background

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

--Unknown Author

Longer Version:

Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.


photo of author George Carlin with quote

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

--George Carlin
photo of author George Carlin with quote

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

--George Carlin

We wish you a perfect day!