May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Whoever coined the term Buyer Beware was probably bleeding from the asshole.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. There weren't any serious violations, said the officers, she just rubbed us the wrong way.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts -- it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form -- it's certainly artistry.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?