May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it.

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. There weren't any serious violations, said the officers, she just rubbed us the wrong way.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.

Whoever coined the term Buyer Beware was probably bleeding from the asshole.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?