Quotes by Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely?

John, you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

Was that you or the duck?

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put Emily, I love you on the back of the bill.

He Harpo loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

Hello, I must be going.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

I hate London when it's not raining.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed... But we're going back next week.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: The food here is lousy, the first noted. You're right! And such small portions! the second added.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.

I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

Policeman: A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four? Groucho: That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Any place I hang my head is home.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

The only game I like to play is Old Maid, providing she's not too old.

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.

TV is the rat race of the century.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, I was just whispering in her mouth.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

I'm not feeling very well -- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

Only if the computers really love each other.

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Time wounds all heels.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

What have future generations ever done for us?

Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel the breeze from here!

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

Home is where you hang your head.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue).

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Here's to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I remember the first time I had sex -- I kept the receipt.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution -- this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.