photo of Groucho MarxPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Quotes by Groucho Marx

Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Groucho Marx. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Groucho Marx

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America's greatest comedians.

He made 13 feature films as a team with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, primarily on radio and television, most notably as the host of the game show You Bet Your Life.

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, spectacles, cigar, a thick greasepaint mustache, and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the most recognizable and ubiquitous novelty disguises, known as Groucho glasses: a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, a large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.

Quote: A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of black and white striped textile
Photo Credit: Mitchell Luo

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.


Quote: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of black pug puppy
Photo Credit: Charles Deluvio

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.


Quote: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of cutest pug portrait
Photo Credit: Summer Chan

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.


Quote: Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of man in white suit standing beside woman in white dress on rock during daytime
Photo Credit: Allison Heine

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.


Quote: Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of pink and green flower painting
Photo Credit: Annie Spratt

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.


Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of brown metal machine on gray concrete wall near sea during daytime
Photo Credit: Kvnga

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


Quote: I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of man and woman hugging each other
Photo Credit: frank mckenna

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.


Quote: He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely?


Quote: John, you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of Groucho Marx quote: John, you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.- black text on quotes background

John, you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.


Quote: She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.


Quote: You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!


Quote: It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.


Quote: Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.


Quote: The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.


Quote: I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.


Quote: Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.


Quote: Was that you or the duck? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Was that you or the duck?


Quote: Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put Emily, I love you on the back of the bill. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put Emily, I love you on the back of the bill.


Quote: He Harpo loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

He Harpo loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.


Quote: If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.


Quote: Hello, I must be going. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Hello, I must be going.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.


Quote: A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.


Quote: Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?


Quote: Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.


Quote: I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.


Quote: Women should be obscene, not heard. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Women should be obscene, not heard.


Quote: There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.


Quote: How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.


Quote: Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.


Quote: I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.


Quote: If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.


Quote: Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.


Quote: There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.


Quote: I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.


Quote: It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.


Quote: How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?


Quote: Africa is God's country, and He can have it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.


Quote: You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.


Quote: Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?


Quote: I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.


Quote: I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.


Quote: Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.


Quote: Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!


Quote: I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.


Quote: You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

Longer Version/[Notes]:

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.


Quote: The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.


Quote: Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.


Quote: I hate London when it's not raining. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I hate London when it's not raining.


Quote: You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.


Quote: Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.


Quote: You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.


Quote: We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed... But we're going back next week. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed... But we're going back next week.


Quote: Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of Groucho Marx quote: Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.- black text on quotes background

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.


Quote: The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.


Quote: Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.


Quote: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.


Quote: Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.


Quote: No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.


Quote: Two women at a resort discussed dinner: The food here is lousy, the first noted. You're right! And such small portions! the second added. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: The food here is lousy, the first noted. You're right! And such small portions! the second added.


Quote: With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.


Quote: Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.


Quote: Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.


Quote: I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.


Quote: Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.


Quote: Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.


Quote: Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.


Quote: Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.


Quote: One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!


Quote: Policeman: A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four? Groucho: That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Policeman: A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four? Groucho: That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.


Quote: Any place I hang my head is home. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Any place I hang my head is home.


Quote: Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.


Quote: Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.


Quote: Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.


Quote: The only game I like to play is Old Maid, providing she's not too old. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The only game I like to play is Old Maid, providing she's not too old.




Quote: I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.


Quote: TV is the rat race of the century. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

TV is the rat race of the century.


Quote: Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!


Quote: Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.


Quote: If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.


Quote: Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.


Quote: Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.


Quote: I must confess, I was born at a very early age. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.


Quote: Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.


Quote: When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, I was just whispering in her mouth. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, I was just whispering in her mouth.


Quote: My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.


Quote: Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.


Quote: Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.


Quote: Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?


Quote: I'm not feeling very well -- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I'm not feeling very well -- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.


Quote: Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.


Quote: Do you mind if I don't smoke? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Do you mind if I don't smoke?


Quote: The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.


Quote: A man is only as old as the woman he feels. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.


Quote: Only if the computers really love each other. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Only if the computers really love each other.


Quote: No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.


Quote: Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.


Quote: Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.


Quote: And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!


Quote: Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.


Quote: I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.


Quote: I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove.


Quote: The only real laughter comes from despair. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The only real laughter comes from despair.


Quote: Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.


Quote: Time wounds all heels. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Time wounds all heels.


Quote: Patience is the art of finding something else to do. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.


Quote: What have future generations ever done for us? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

What have future generations ever done for us?


Quote: Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel the breeze from here! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel the breeze from here!


Quote: Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.


Quote: If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.


Quote: In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.


Quote: I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.


Quote: He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.


Quote: Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.) by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)


Quote: I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.


Quote: If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time.




Quote: I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.


Quote: There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!


Quote: Home is where you hang your head. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Home is where you hang your head.




Quote: John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of Groucho Marx quote: John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.- black text on quotes background

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.


Quote: I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue). by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue).


Quote: Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.


Quote: There's one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

There's one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.


Quote: Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.


Quote: Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!


Quote: Here's to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Here's to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!


Quote: I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.


Quote: If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.


Quote: Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.


Quote: I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.


Quote: Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!


Quote: I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.


Quote: I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.


Quote: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.


Quote: I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.


Quote: Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.


Quote: My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.


Quote: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


Quote: I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.


Quote: Room service? Send up a larger room. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Room service? Send up a larger room.


Quote: If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.


Quote: Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?


Quote: Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.


Quote: Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.


Quote: Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.


Quote: Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.


Quote: Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?


Quote: My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.


Quote: Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.


Quote: I remember the first time I had sex -- I kept the receipt. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I remember the first time I had sex -- I kept the receipt.


Quote: Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.


Quote: Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.


Quote: Humor is reason gone mad. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Humor is reason gone mad.


Quote: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?


Quote: The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution -- this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution -- this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.


Quote: Before I speak, I have something important to say. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Before I speak, I have something important to say.


Quote: From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.


Quote: I intend to live forever, or die trying. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I intend to live forever, or die trying.


Quote: The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. by author Groucho Marx overlaid on photo of photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.


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