photo of Groucho MarxPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Groucho Marx. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Groucho Marx

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America's greatest comedians.

He made 13 feature films as a team with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, primarily on radio and television, most notably as the host of the game show You Bet Your Life.

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, spectacles, cigar, a thick greasepaint mustache, and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the most recognizable and ubiquitous novelty disguises, known as Groucho glasses: a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, a large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.

photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely?

--Groucho Marx

photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!


photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Was that you or the duck?

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put Emily, I love you on the back of the bill.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

He Harpo loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Hello, I must be going.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.


photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Women should be obscene, not heard.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.


photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I hate London when it's not raining.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed... But we're going back next week.

--Groucho Marx

photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

--Groucho Marx

photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.


photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: The food here is lousy, the first noted. You're right! And such small portions! the second added.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.

--Groucho Marx

photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Policeman: A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four? Groucho: That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Any place I hang my head is home.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The only game I like to play is Old Maid, providing she's not too old.

--Groucho Marx

photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

TV is the rat race of the century.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.


photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, I was just whispering in her mouth.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I'm not feeling very well -- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Only if the computers really love each other.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

The only real laughter comes from despair.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Time wounds all heels.

--Groucho Marx
photo of author Groucho Marx with quote

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

--Groucho Marx

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