Quotes by Groucho Marx
Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Groucho Marx. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.
Wikipedia Summary for Groucho Marx
Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America's greatest comedians.
He made 13 feature films as a team with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, primarily on radio and television, most notably as the host of the game show You Bet Your Life.
His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, spectacles, cigar, a thick greasepaint mustache, and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the most recognizable and ubiquitous novelty disguises, known as Groucho glasses: a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, a large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely?
John, you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
He Harpo loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.
Hello, I must be going.
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.
The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.
The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.
Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Two women at a resort discussed dinner: The food here is lousy, the first noted. You're right! And such small portions! the second added.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Policeman: A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four? Groucho: That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time.
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution -- this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
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