Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: The food here is lousy, the first noted. You're right! And such small portions! the second added.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, I was just whispering in her mouth.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?