A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.