Welcome to our collection of quotes by Jack Handey. We hope you enjoy pondering them and please share widely.
Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts, and for his deadpan delivery. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everbody out.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.