The Best Deep Thought Quotes by Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because i'll bet there are more than a few chihuahuas with ideas of their own.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everbody out.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.