Welcome to our collection of quotes by Jack Handey. We hope you enjoy pondering them and please share widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts, and for his deadpan delivery. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.


quote by Jack Handey: Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everbody out. with background image: black white and orange butterfly perched on purple flower in close up photography during daytime
Background Photo: Joshua J. Cotten

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everbody out.

--Jack Handey

quote by Jack Handey: Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. with background image: russian blue cat on brown wooden table
Background Photo: Val Tievsky

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.

--Jack Handey

quote by Jack Handey: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. with background image: yellow, orange, red, green, and blue abstract painting
Background Photo: Markus Spiske

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

--Jack Handey
quote by Jack Handey: If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. with background image: green and brown plant on white wall
Background Photo: Annie Spratt

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

--Jack Handey
quote by Jack Handey: Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. with background image: woman standing on beachfront
Background Photo: Jeremy Bishop

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

--Jack Handey
quote by Jack Handey: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. with background image: cute spaniel dog on beach wallpaper
Background Photo: Ryan Walton

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

--Jack Handey
quote by Jack Handey: If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. with background image: silhouette of two person standing near seashore
Background Photo: Tim Mossholder

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.

--Jack Handey
quote by Jack Handey: Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. with background image: silhouette of trees during nighttime
Background Photo: Nathan Anderson

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

--Jack Handey
quote by Jack Handey: I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. with background image: pug lying on pet bed
Background Photo: Charles Deluvio

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

--Jack Handey

We wish you a perfect day!