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The Best Deep Thought Quotes by Jack Handey

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Jack Handey. We hope you enjoy pondering them and please share widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts, and for his deadpan delivery. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character.

Quote: I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because i'll bet there are more than a few chihuahuas with ideas of their own. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because i'll bet there are more than a few chihuahuas with ideas of their own.


Quote: Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everbody out. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everbody out.


Quote: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did.


Quote: Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.


Quote: It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.


Quote: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.


Quote: If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.


Quote: Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.


Quote: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.


Quote: If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.


Quote: Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.


Quote: I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. by author Jack Handey overlaid on photo of photo of author Jack Handey with quote

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.


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