Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right -- two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money, watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they really think will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that there's no way to ever really know for certain.

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.

I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.

The Republican Party stinks because all of the Republicans have accomplished nothing, and they talk about all of these issues and do nothing about it for a whole lifetime.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened to talk like this, so why would I talk like somebody else?

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant -- even if they wanted to be one?

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend -- I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world.. That's me. But to my wife.

I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.