Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.

Don't get it right, just get it written.

There was a mist of moss to ride through and a storm of glass.

I'm sixty-five, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-eight.

Art -- the one achievement of man which has made the long trip up from all fours seem well advised.

Columbus is a town in which almost anything is likely to happen, and in which almost everything has.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

Humourists lead... an existence of jumpiness and apprehension. They sit on the edge of the chair of Literature. In the house of Life they have the feeling that they have never taken off their overcoats.

In the pathways between office and home and home and the houses of settled people there are always, ready to snap at you, the little perils of routine living, but there is no escape in the unplanned tangent, the sudden turn.

Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.

God bless... God damn.

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.

The cold Duke was afraid of Now, for Now has warmth and urgency, and Then is dead and buried.

I never quite know when I'm not writing. Sometimes my wife comes up to me at a party and says, Dammit, Thurber, stop writing. She usually catches me in the middle of a paragraph.

The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms -- hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.

Surely no other American institution is so bound around and tightened up by rules, strictures, adages, and superstitions as the Broadway theatre.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I have lived in the East for nearly thirty years now, but many of my books prove that I am never very far away from Ohio in my thoughts, and that the clocks that strike in my dreams are often the clocks of Columbus.

If I have any beliefs at all about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.