No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty and expensive and cheerful.

If you're writing, it means getting up and writing all day, and if you're filming, it's getting up and filming all day. I get up, go to my computer, write, turn it off, and go to bed. That is a Clarkson day.

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't

you?

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.

The newest Ferrari of them all, the 458, the Italia. The GT3 was good, but nowhen near as good as this... almost nothing on Earth is as good as this... Set that something I've just told, involving Cameron Diaz... and some honey... then it comes that even that isn't as good as this.

Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.

I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.

Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what BEING STABBED?

This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.

That Pagani Zonda, really! It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.

It couldn't pull a greased

stick out of a pig's bottom.

Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.

I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.

Column writing is like gas -- it fills the available space.

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.

In Italy, you sometimes get the impression they'd be happier to lose the Ppe than lose their right to drive like maniacs.