Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

We are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.

- to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.

I am speechless: I have no speech.

Newman!

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.

When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.