Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

There should be a children's song, if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.

There should be a children's song: If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website comment section.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be...well, January.

A hammock. It's like a giant net for catching lazy people .

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ˜Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' But we do that every day Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

Be more assertive with what you want to do.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

What's that like? I explained what it was like having a fourth kid very simply: imagine you are drowning... and then someone hands you a baby.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

The owner of Papa John's may not be the best pitchman, but he's the worst at acting. Papa John's commercials actually make me yearn for a Men's Wearhouse commercial.

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

I do have some Catholic stuff that is done from the perspective of an ignorant Catholic. But other than that, topic-wise, there's nothing really filthy.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane -- it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.

In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.

“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”.

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight.

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling.

Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.

The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.

It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don't want to just be on a show to be on a show.

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don't have tons of money to waste.

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

The whole idea of celebrity is flattering -- it helps you get into restaurants and stuff -- but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

I've been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I identify a topic like, say, seafood, which is a big one right now, it's like there are different kinds of tangents I can go on to build a larger chunk.

My children have made me a better man, which is -- in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and -- you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I live in New York City, but it doesn't matter if you're in any large, metropolitan area, there's kind of a little bit of survival-of-the-fittest, so when you encounter kindness or people going out of their way in an empathetic way, it's almost startling.

I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is -- I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky to have big family.

There has been this belief among the Catholic community -- and this -- I'm no expert, this is my opinion -- that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

Yeah, I am a character actor.

I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

Entertainers Of Faith, funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.

I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does.

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting -- a bunch of people that don't wanna grow up.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.