I said, Is there! I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math -- if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

I am furious about everything.

You've gotta understand -- when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I'm never without a bandage.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly -- hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.