Quotes by Joe Lycett

I'd done some acting and I didn't like being told what to do by the director, the structure of it.

I'm not that sort of writer where I can restrict myself to a theme, just in case nothing good comes of it.

Since doing comedy, I'm less of a show-off in real life.

I love 'Pointless.'

I nearly got hit by a car while I was trying to write a stupid joke but a female sheep stood in the way. I can't thank ewe enough.

I'm good at throwing fabric on myself!

I don't think I like sharing the limelight.

I'm a qualified swimming instructor.

Companies ignoring their customers. I think it's unforgivable. And I count using a chatbot on your website as ignoring your customers. Stop doing it.

I think it's important some people do publicly go 'Hey, I'm not straight and I'm not gay. I'm somewhere in the middle and that's ok.'

My philosophy is, if I couldn't say it in front of my grandmother, I probably shouldn't say it.

There's a viral video of a young girl learning to say 'who' but pronouncing it as 'wah' which I think could be one of the funniest things that has ever happened.

I've got really into gardening.

I try and avoid the big comics in Edinburgh. You can see them on tour. Edinburgh is all about seeing the smaller comedians.

I often ask people in the audience what their favourite cheese is. Anything less than Gruyere and they're just not middle class!

In England, there are four major cities within a two-hour drive, so the comedy circuit thrives as a result.

As a child, I used to bite my toenails, which is grim. I can still do it.

Normally during the week between Christmas and New Year I'm slumped in a chair in Birmingham, eating, farting and spouting total nonsense.

Even though I now eat meat, I have halloumi every day -- even at breakfast.

I keep getting mobbed in MandS and Debenhams. I feel like Barry Manilow.

There's a beautifully simple sketch in the first episode of 'Smack the Pony:' two women approach each other walking their dogs and as they pass the women bark at each other, the dogs remaining perfectly calm. It kills me every time.

Will and Grace' was my favourite show growing up and retains a special place in my heart, not least because it was such a refreshing and witty insight into gay life. The older me loves 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.'

Because lots of LGBTQ people are really smart, and there's so much really interesting reading that can be done, and so much academic writing that's been done about it, people can end up getting quite academic about it.

When I started stand-up, it was really just to have a go at alpha males essentially, there was no plan and there never has been really.

I don't want someone to be nice and friendly while telling me my bill's gone up by 10 per cent because they've just decided that.

The Time It Takes' is one of the most brilliantly daft shows I've ever been involved in -- and that's saying something.

I have always been an extrovert. When I was younger, I would go outside and sing to the flowers and pretend they were the orchestra. As one of my parents' friends said, I was an odd boy.

I was quite a fat lad.

I get frustrated by the way camp is portrayed sometimes. Camp, for me, is a nice 'everyone is welcome' kind of thing rather than an 'ooh, what's she wearing' kind of thing.

I like to show off. But I'm not fussed about fame particularly, I don't go to things and I don't go to celeb events or whatever, that's not really my vibe.

I'm a bit done with weddings. There are so many and I'm so bored of them.

I remember weeping silently in bed after watching 'Titanic.'

Best place I've visited is probably Tanzania when I was younger and I'd love to go to America as I haven't been to loads of places there yet.

I used to sing classical music to the flowers in the garden and imagine they were all different parts of the orchestra. It used to really annoy the neighbours.

I'd love to grow a pair of discreet wings so I could just fly around a bit and impress people.

My parents have always been very supportive and it hasn't been an issue. Mum worried I might get more problems in life because of my bisexuality but I think people are more liberal now.

I'm so British and polite that creating a scene or being confrontational is so not my vibe.

I buy flowers for myself all the time. I'm comedy's Elton John.

If anything kept me awake at night it would be worrying that there wouldn't be enough time to have a nap the next day.

Every hairstyle I have is funny because my barber is a standup comedian by the slightly unfortunate name of Paul Sweeney. His cuts are fantastic but the chats are even better.

There are many terms that have been used to describe me: man, comedian, disappointment, hammock enthusiast.

You should always ask for a refund at the theatre, apart from my shows, of course, where I won't be handing out any refunds.

I get frustrated with companies that present themselves as your mates. They use emojis in the messages they send you, and they're very casual with their back-and-forth. That doesn't work if they've rinsed you of all your money.

I am the promise guardian to a wonderful girl called Grace, a role akin to a godfather but without the Christian responsibilities, as I am a devout Jedi.

I do a very good impression of Louis Armstrong.

If you organise a dinner party, and two guests cancel, it is still a dinner party: you still get to eat dinner.

I am a rare millennial who managed to buy property thanks to a mix of highly lucrative TV panel show work and employing Gary Barlow as a financial adviser.

I don't do vulgarity, I prefer to talk about nice things.

Alan Carr is an out and proud gay man but there isn't a famous bisexual equivalent -- it's a lot rarer.

I am now reconciled to the fact that I am a millennial through and through.

My sewing skills are terrible!

Turns out it's bloody hard to make a sculpture that looks like a human head, so I've not bothered. Realism is for squares.

I make a sensational chicken, chorizo and mung bean stew.

When you're going into companies and you're secret filming, I didn't realise the amount of protection that you need legally before you can do just the slightest thing.

I've attempted tech-free days when I turn off the phone and stare at the iPad instead.

People say I'm charming, but I'm uneasy with that word. Quentin Crisp said: 'Charisma is the ability to influence without logic,' which is terrifying.

I always loved 'The Weakest Link' and how brutal Anne Robinson was on it.

World domination was never the plan.

It's a bit embarrassing for a company to be exposed for wrongdoing, but it's really embarrassing if it's done by making them the butt of a joke.

I beam at the idea of me at the wheel of a luxury yacht, surrounded by models and moguls, sipping cool Gavi di Gavi as we meander down the French Riviera.

Life is hard. There's parking fines, PPI, the Kardashians -- it's a marvel any of us manage to get out of bed.

It's a cliche, but the people who enjoy your work and who come up and say, 'I enjoyed that and I liked that,' they are the people who ultimately are keeping you in work. And so, it would be rude and ungrateful of me to be anything but polite.

The thing about Birmingham is, no one spends their evening looking over your shoulder thinking: 'Is that Nick Grimshaw?' and wondering if there's a better night they could be on. Because there isn't.

I love living in Birmingham, it's just a lovely gentle life, and it's calm. And it's full of Brummies who I find hilarious.

I'm not sure if I'm an introvert or extrovert. I love being around people, but sometimes I do need to go off and fart.

Every year I buy a big faux-fur coat for the winter.

I think it's something to do with the nurturing side of the psyche; tying up a sunflower or whatever and helping it grow, it is just some kind of core human experience.