I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with.
Being a celebrity or anything else where you're really ambitious, it's really a game to see how successful you can get.
It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.
People for the most part can smell lies.
I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.
If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time.
I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic.
I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me.
The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.
The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.
When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.
If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.
The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own.
Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.
If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it?
Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.
I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.
I've been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC.
I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.
I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.
To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.
The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.
The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.
Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much.
My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.
It never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in.
I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.
I had a great time on News Radio, I got to make tons of money in relative obscurity and learn a lot about the TV biz and work on my standup act constantly. It was a dream gig.
Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken.
Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title.
After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.
I do cagefight commentary in my spare time.
I've done jiujitsu a huge chunk of my life, and I try to spend a lot of time educating people on the nuances, the subtleness of the ground game. It's a big part of mixed martial arts.
Your body's really only meant to compete at the highest levels of combat sports for a few years.
I'm afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.
Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce.
I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.
People want their 15 minutes and are willing to do anything to get it.
Be the hero of your own story.
Live your life like you're the hero in your movie.
If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
Quotes by Joe Rogan are featured in: