The world gets better every day -- then worse again in the evening.

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee much later than others.

The election is not very far off when a candidate can recognize you across the street.

Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either.

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.

All the world loves a good loser.

One of the commonest ailments of the present day is the premature formation of opinion.