We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

One thing we are sure of is there's no one like Nelson Mandela out there. That's too bad for us.

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

If you gotta kill two birds, might as well get stoned.

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or later, it results in a hostage situation.

The only thing wrong with Southern Baptists was they didn't hold them underwater long enough.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

May the God of your choice bless you.

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

I'm well aware that the Nelson Mandelas and the Winston Churchills of the world happened by accident. They usually come out of nowhere.

Like most of us, I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.