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Quotes by Lewis Black

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Lewis Black. We hope you enjoy pondering them and please share widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Lewis Black

Lewis Niles Black (born August 30, 1948) is an American actor and stand-up comedian. His comedy routines often escalate into angry rants about history, politics, religion, or any other cultural trends. He hosted the Comedy Central series Lewis Black's Root of All Evil and makes regular appearances on The Daily Show delivering his "Back in Black" commentary segment, which he has been doing since The Daily Show was hosted by Craig Kilborn.

When not on the road performing, Black resides in Manhattan, but also maintains a residence in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. He is also a spokesman for the Aruba Tourism Authority, appearing in television ads that first aired in late 2009 and 2010, as well as the voice of Anger in 2015's Pixar film, Inside Out. He was voted 51st of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians of all time by Comedy Central in 2004; he was voted 5th in Comedy Central's Stand Up Showdown in 2008 and 11th in 2010. Black has served as an "ambassador for voting rights" for the American Civil Liberties Union since 2013.

Quote: I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.


Quote: The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?


Quote: I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.


Quote: The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.


Quote: It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got Saran Wrap -- FIX IT! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got Saran Wrap -- FIX IT!




Quote: Dick Cheney ... and that's all I gotta say. Isn't it great that we've reached that point? You don't even have to say Dick Cheney, the Vice President who shot his friend in the face while hunting. Dick Cheney, everybody goes Waha! and we move on. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Dick Cheney ... and that's all I gotta say. Isn't it great that we've reached that point? You don't even have to say Dick Cheney, the Vice President who shot his friend in the face while hunting. Dick Cheney, everybody goes Waha! and we move on.




Quote: I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.


Quote: I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us ... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went Wow, it's not me! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us ... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went Wow, it's not me!


Quote: If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.




Quote: Death is the abiding mystery that is the root of all religions, except Scientology, which doesn't count because I refuse to consider seriously anything that Tom Cruise believes in. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Death is the abiding mystery that is the root of all religions, except Scientology, which doesn't count because I refuse to consider seriously anything that Tom Cruise believes in.


Quote: And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe the Earth was created in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go Fossil! And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe the Earth was created in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go Fossil! And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head.


Quote: I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, 'cause any fish that is down there is f***ing stupid. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, 'cause any fish that is down there is f***ing stupid.


Quote: The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.


Quote: They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3. ... WELL, THEN IT'S MINUS 3, A**HOLE! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3. ... WELL, THEN IT'S MINUS 3, A**HOLE!






Quote: Just ate at Hamburg Inn No. 2, home of Democracy and a really great Breakfast. You can't have one without the other. You could but neither would be as good. It should be noted that the first copy of our constitution had a sausage gravy stain on it. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Just ate at Hamburg Inn No. 2, home of Democracy and a really great Breakfast. You can't have one without the other. You could but neither would be as good. It should be noted that the first copy of our constitution had a sausage gravy stain on it.








Quote: There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, GOD***N, YA SONOFABITCH! and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, GOD***N, YA SONOFABITCH! and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.


Quote: I lost my virginity to a record skip. Lay Lady Lay -- Lay Lady Lay -- Lay Lady Lay. We didn't even get to the big brass bed part. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I lost my virginity to a record skip. Lay Lady Lay -- Lay Lady Lay -- Lay Lady Lay. We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.


Quote: I really don't enjoy doing comedy as much as I used to ... It's just tough to be funny when everything is going so great. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I really don't enjoy doing comedy as much as I used to ... It's just tough to be funny when everything is going so great.


Quote: You see what I felt they should have done for our first public works project is build a giant wall across the entire border of Canada...because THAT'S where the cold air comes from! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You see what I felt they should have done for our first public works project is build a giant wall across the entire border of Canada...because THAT'S where the cold air comes from!


Quote: Oh sure, I have regrets, but that's the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Oh sure, I have regrets, but that's the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die.


Quote: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag.


Quote: I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday.


Quote: How our government works ... it doesn't. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

How our government works ... it doesn't.


Quote: If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself.


Quote: People always say things happen for a reason, until they disagree with the reason it happened. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

People always say things happen for a reason, until they disagree with the reason it happened.


Quote: The road to madness is madness. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The road to madness is madness.


Quote: The democrats blow. The Republicans suck. Or Visa Versa. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The democrats blow. The Republicans suck. Or Visa Versa.


Quote: I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'f***' isn't even a word, it's a comma. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'f***' isn't even a word, it's a comma.


Quote: Money is tight these days, and with the current budget, you have to have a bullet for a head to get so much as a dime. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Money is tight these days, and with the current budget, you have to have a bullet for a head to get so much as a dime.


Quote: I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that sh*tty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that sh*tty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.




Quote: A virus doesn't understand politics. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

A virus doesn't understand politics.


Quote: I have a pretty good idea that when I am given the final countdown I will not go gentle into that good night. No matter how logical a mind one possesses, when faced with the concept of a black hole without end the synapses rev into overdrive, leaving logic in the dust. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

I have a pretty good idea that when I am given the final countdown I will not go gentle into that good night. No matter how logical a mind one possesses, when faced with the concept of a black hole without end the synapses rev into overdrive, leaving logic in the dust.


Quote: So what's heaven like? I always imagined it as the equivalent of being pushed around on one of those dolphin strollers at Disney World when you're three. Or it's where you see every a**hole you ever dealt with in life get his comeuppance. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

So what's heaven like? I always imagined it as the equivalent of being pushed around on one of those dolphin strollers at Disney World when you're three. Or it's where you see every a**hole you ever dealt with in life get his comeuppance.


Quote: Each of us is full of sh*t in our own special way. We are all sh*tty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Each of us is full of sh*t in our own special way. We are all sh*tty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.


Quote: You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!


Quote: Life gets old very quickly, until of course they tell you your number is up, which is when you start paying attention to the precious miracle you are about to lose. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Life gets old very quickly, until of course they tell you your number is up, which is when you start paying attention to the precious miracle you are about to lose.


Quote: Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!- black text on quotes background

Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!


Quote: I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.


Quote: Humor is how we find comfort in the totally illogical, for it is the bridge back to the logical. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Humor is how we find comfort in the totally illogical, for it is the bridge back to the logical.


Quote: Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'


Quote: If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.


Quote: I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, That George Bush, he's a great leader. And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional? by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, That George Bush, he's a great leader. And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?


Quote: The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. These people have nothing, so you have to share. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. These people have nothing, so you have to share.


Quote: None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.- black text on quotes background

None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.


Quote: Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.


Quote: Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.


Quote: I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.- black text on quotes background

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.


Quote: I'm a Jew. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm a Jew.


Quote: It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!


Quote: Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!




Quote: Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!


Quote: I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, You want to go to this party and do some networking? by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, You want to go to this party and do some networking?




Quote: If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say FOSSIL. If he still won't shut up I throw it at him. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say FOSSIL. If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.


Quote: Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.


Quote: We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.


Quote: That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.




Quote: Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'


Quote: You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!


Quote: North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.


Quote: You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.


Quote: All food is comfort food. 

 Maybe I just like to chew. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

All food is comfort food.

Maybe I just like to chew.


Quote: All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.


Quote: Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation.


Quote: When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.


Quote: Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.




Quote: I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.




Quote: There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.


Quote: Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.


Quote: I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.- black text on quotes background

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.


Quote: Everybody's got cable. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Everybody's got cable.






Quote: It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks? by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?


Quote: See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.


Quote: It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.


Quote: Everybody's family has different values. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Everybody's family has different values.


Quote: In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.


Quote: Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.


Quote: There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.


Quote: Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again.


Quote: Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.


Quote: These people the Christians watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

These people the Christians watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.


Quote: How our government works... it doesn't. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

How our government works... it doesn't.


Quote: Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.


Quote: The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.


Quote: I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.


Quote: If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.


Quote: MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!


Quote: In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow -- together! And I hadn't done drugs. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow -- together! And I hadn't done drugs.


Quote: These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!


Quote: We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons -- let's find it! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons -- let's find it!


Quote: I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just -- I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just -- I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn.


Quote: Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.


Quote: Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.


Quote: Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.


Quote: Sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers.




Quote: Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.


Quote: It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!


Quote: I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'


Quote: The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.




Quote: On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.


Quote: Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.




Quote: I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.


Quote: Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.




Quote: I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.


Quote: Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.


Quote: Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem.


Quote: One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.


Quote: Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.


Quote: If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.


Quote: Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.




Quote: It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.


Quote: Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.


Quote: Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.


Quote: He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.


Quote: My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.


Quote: You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.


Quote: I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.


Quote: We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.




Quote: I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.


Quote: Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.








Quote: Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that's the reason my act has become more political. I've become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I've watched is staggering. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that's the reason my act has become more political. I've become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I've watched is staggering.


Quote: My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.


Quote: I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.


Quote: No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.


Quote: My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.


Quote: When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.


Quote: In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us -- warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more? by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us -- warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?- black text on quotes background

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us -- warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?




Quote: I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.


Quote: My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned.


Quote: I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.


Quote: This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today -- you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today -- you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.


Quote: Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.


Quote: I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.


Quote: When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!


Quote: When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.


Quote: Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain? by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?


Quote: It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap -- FIX IT! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap -- FIX IT!


Quote: Just relax and breathe through your ass. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Just relax and breathe through your ass.


Quote: Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.


Quote: I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.




Quote: The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.


Quote: If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. andlt; . ) andlt; . by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. andlt; . ) andlt; .


Quote: They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.


Quote: I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.


Quote: Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.




Quote: If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.


Quote: Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.




Quote: A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!


Quote: Self-love is a big part of golf. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Self-love is a big part of golf.


Quote: I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.


Quote: Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.


Quote: You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.


Quote: You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.


Quote: Usually I'm too tired to apologize. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.


Quote: Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.


Quote: The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.


Quote: My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.


Quote: Kids seem to get me when I play colleges -- they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges -- they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.


Quote: You've got to be stupid to heckle me -- I am very equipped to win. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You've got to be stupid to heckle me -- I am very equipped to win.


Quote: When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.


Quote: If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'


Quote: Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.


Quote: The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.


Quote: It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.


Quote: What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.


Quote: Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.


Quote: I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.




Quote: The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.


Quote: I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down -- 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down -- 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.


Quote: People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.


Quote: Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.


Quote: What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.


Quote: I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.


Quote: Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!


Quote: Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.


Quote: Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!


Quote: I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.


Quote: I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.


Quote: The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.


Quote: For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.


Quote: You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.


Quote: If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.


Quote: There should be a law that you can't shut down the government -- that you don't have that power. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government -- that you don't have that power.


Quote: I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.


Quote: As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.


Quote: Political audiences are not fun. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Political audiences are not fun.


Quote: It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'- black text on quotes background

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'


Quote: Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.


Quote: I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.


Quote: Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people -- that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people -- that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.


Quote: I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.


Quote: Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.


Quote: Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.


Quote: I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.


Quote: My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.


Quote: I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.


Quote: I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.


Quote: If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.


Quote: My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.


Quote: I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.


Quote: I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.


Quote: I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.


Quote: You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.


Quote: I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.


Quote: I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.


Quote: I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.


Quote: I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.


Quote: All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.


Quote: A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people -- three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote; white text on black background

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people -- three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'


Quote: And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.


Quote: Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.


Quote: I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.


Quote: The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.


Quote: One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.


Quote: I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.


Quote: Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.


Quote: I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.


Quote: Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.


Quote: If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.


Quote: Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.


Quote: One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.


Quote: Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'


Quote: Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.


Quote: It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap -- fix it! by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap -- fix it!


Quote: When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.


Quote: I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.




Quote: I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.- black text on quotes background

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.


Quote: I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.


Quote: When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.




Quote: You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.


Quote: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.


Quote: Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.


Quote: When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.


Quote: I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.


Quote: Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.


Quote: You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.


Quote: I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.


Quote: This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.


Quote: I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.


Quote: When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'




Quote: If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of Lewis Black quote: If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.- black text on quotes background

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.


Quote: In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.


Quote: If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.


Quote: I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of photo of author Lewis Black with quote

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.


Quote: The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of white

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.


Quote: What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. by author Lewis Black overlaid on photo of white textile in close up photography

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.


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