I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. These people have nothing, so you have to share.

Sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

Political audiences are not fun.

The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life ... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, Uhhh, what the f*** is that? The book of WHAT?!? Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store.

Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you're in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you're at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, Son of a b**ch... I'll have a Jaeger.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I'm a Jew.