Don't go around thinking the world owes you a living. It was here first.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: nobody really enjoys it, and the frog generally dies as a result.
Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.
Custom is custom: it is built of brass, boiler-iron, granite; facts, reasonings, arguments have no more effect upon it than the idle winds have upon Gibraltar.
A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.
A gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.
Does the human being reason? No; he thinks, muses, reflects, but does not reason...that is, in the two things which are the peculiar domain of the heart, not the mind, politics and religion. He doesn't want to know the other side. He wants arguments and statistics for his own side, and nothing more.
Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail.
Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.
A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
A new oath holds pretty well; but... when it is become old, and frayed out, and damaged by a dozen annual retryings of its remains, it ceases to be serviceable; any little strain will snap it.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
The report of my illness grew out of his (James Clemens) illness. The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
A woman springs a sudden reproach upon you which provokes a hot retort, and then she will presently ask you to apologize.
Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church.
A powerful agent is the right word: it lights the reader's way and makes it plain.
A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt.
A country without a patent office and good patent laws is just a crab, and can't travel any way but sideways and backways.
A man who keeps company with glaciers comes to feel tolerably insignificant by and by.
A man who keeps company with glaciers comes to feel tolerably insignificiant by and by. The Alps and the glaciers together are able to take every bit of conceit out of a man and reduce his self-importance to zero if he will only remain within the influence of their sublime presence long enough to give it a fair and reasonable chance to do its work.
A person who has a cat by the tail knows a whole lot more about cats than someone who has just read about them.
Compliments make me vain: and when I am vain, I am insolent and overbearing. It is a pity, too, because I love compliments. I love them even when they are not so. My child, I can live on a good compliment two weeks with nothing else to eat.
I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.
Each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it.
Among other common lies, we have the silent lie -- the deception which one conveys by simply keeping still and concealing the truth. Many obstinate truth-mongers indulge in this dissipation, imagining that if they speak no lie, they lie not at all.
The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad -- but whiskey!
A good and wholesome thing is a little harmless fun in this world; it tones a body up and keeps him human and prevents him from souring.
Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant.
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
I can always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that, my art is not above the ordinary.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. I have no other restriction as regards smoking. I do not know just when I began to smoke, I only know that it was in my father's lifetime, and that I was discreet. He passed from this life early in 1847, when I was a shade past 11; ever since then I have smoked publicly. As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake.
I smoke in bed until I have to go to sleep; I wake up in the night, sometimes once, sometimes twice, sometimes three times, and I never waste any of these opportunities to smoke. This habit is so old and dear and precious to me that if I should break it I should feel as you, Sir, would feel if you should lose the only moral you've got.
A kindly courtesy does at least save one's feelings, even if it is not professing to stand for a welcome.
Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes-none knows whence-and cannot explain itself.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A home without a cat -- and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat -- may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?
December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.
I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.
Anybody can have ideas -- the difficulty is to express them without squandering a quire of paper on an idea that ought to be reduced to one glittering paragraph.
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession--what there is of it.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
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