If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: nobody really enjoys it, and the frog generally dies as a result.

Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

A crowded police docket is the surest of all signs that trade is brisk and money plenty.

Write without pay until somebody offers to pay.

Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

A discriminating irreverence is the creator and protector of human liberty.

Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality