I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: nobody really enjoys it, and the frog generally dies as a result.

Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

A crowded police docket is the surest of all signs that trade is brisk and money plenty.

Write without pay until somebody offers to pay.

Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.

Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality