A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Nostalgia is longing for a place you'd never move back to.

Committee -- a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I'll show you a lucky man -- his secretary's lipstick is the same color as his wife's!

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card -- American Express.

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

She wanted an Italian sports car -- with the sport still in it.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas -- like a Mexican divorce.

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: 'The Ferrari is paid for,' 'The mortgage is assumable,' and 'It's just a cold sore!

When he got a divorce, he and his wife split the house. He got the outside.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.