photo of Mitch HedbergPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Funny Quotes by Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Mitch Hedberg. We hope you enjoy them and please share widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Hedberg's comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them. Hedberg died of a drug overdose in 2005; a heart defect may have contributed to his death.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.


Quote: I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of green leaf in close up photography
Photo Credit: Waldemar Brandt

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.


Quote: I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of shallow focus photography of white flowers
Photo Credit: Anthony DELANOIX

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


Quote: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of eyeglasses in bokeh photography
Photo Credit: James Sutton

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


Quote: I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.


Quote: If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat.


Quote: On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at.


Quote: I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.


Quote: So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.


Quote: I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.


Quote: If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.


Quote: I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.


Quote: I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.


Quote: I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.


Quote: I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!


Quote: I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.


Quote: I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.


Quote: When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.


Quote: People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.


Quote: Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.


Quote: I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.


Quote: Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.


Quote: A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.


Quote: My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.


Quote: Then let's print up some flyers! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Then let's print up some flyers!


Quote: Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.


Quote: A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote: A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.- black text on quotes background

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.


Quote: When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.


Quote: I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.


Quote: I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote: I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.- black text on quotes background

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.


Quote: I've not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.


Quote: I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.


Quote: I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.


Quote: I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match It's a fight to the finish. That's a good place to end. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match It's a fight to the finish. That's a good place to end.


Quote: I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.


Quote: I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.


Quote: The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.


Quote: They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!


Quote: I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.


Quote: You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.


Quote: I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!






Quote: I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.


Quote: When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.


Quote: I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.




Quote: What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.


Quote: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.


Quote: Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.




Quote: I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.


Quote: When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.


Quote: One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.


Quote: Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.


Quote: No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.


Quote: I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there -- Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there -- Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.


Quote: I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, Do you know anybody who has AIDS? He says, No. I say, Cool, because you know me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, Do you know anybody who has AIDS? He says, No. I say, Cool, because you know me.


Quote: A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.


Quote: My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.


Quote: I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.


Quote: I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too -- in the bedroom. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too -- in the bedroom.


Quote: I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.


Quote: I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.


Quote: My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.




Quote: I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say I'm hungry, and so it died. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say I'm hungry, and so it died.


Quote: This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!


Quote: I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?


Quote: I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


Quote: A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!


Quote: When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote: When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.- black text on quotes background

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.


Quote: People who smoke cigarettes, they say You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

People who smoke cigarettes, they say You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.


Quote: I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.


Quote: I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that -- I'll just make a copy! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that -- I'll just make a copy!




Quote: I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.


Quote: I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.


Quote: I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.


Quote: You know crazy straws -- they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

You know crazy straws -- they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.


Quote: If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.


Quote: Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss.


Quote: I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, Doesn't wine give you a headache? Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, Doesn't wine give you a headache? Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!


Quote: I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?


Quote: I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!


Quote: I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.


Quote: I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.


Quote: I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.


Quote: I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.




Quote: I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky -- I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky -- I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.


Quote: I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.


Quote: If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!


Quote: I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.


Quote: If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.


Quote: My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.


Quote: I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!


Quote: They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.


Quote: I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.


Quote: I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.


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