Funny Quotes by Comedian Mitch Hedberg
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying -- they think I'm just reacting.

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away -- Knock knock -- Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey -- maybe a killer is after you!

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

A friend said to me, I think the weather is trippy. I said, No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it. And then I realized I just should have said, Yeah.

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.