I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away -- Knock knock -- Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.